I was looking forward to writing to you. As much as stepping into an unknown is terrifying, I will trust you. I once looked to the past and could not bring myself to understand why it had to be. Now I know. Every tear that fell, every second spent lost and suffering, every bit of character-building pain, will be worth it to bring me to you, and to prepare me for you. My flaws will cease their existence with you, because you will not see them. I will be radiant, because you will make me glow. The past had destroyed its own future. The present falls short on inspiration. The future makes me want to be a better person. It may be a cliche, but I want to be better for you. I want to deserve everything that you are, because you will be perfect in my eyes. You will “get” me and love me with all my quirkiness, I will appreciate you with all of yours, and my God, what I wouldn’t do for you. The memories we’d create together, the thoughts and actions we’d inspire in each other, and the connection and conversations… I wrote you a plea on 10-24-03:

Plea/Prayer to the One

Where are you, my love?
I pray to you to rescue me
I grow weary, I grow wary
I grow disillusioned and disheartened
I feel discouraged and, I fear, hardened
Are you somewhere waiting too?
Are you like me, sad and blue?
The lessons I feel lead to you
Are you prepping for me, too?
Please come ready to be good to me
Filled to the brim with integrity
A man when you need to be
A friend who’s always true to me
A husband effective and adoring
A valiant example to our offspring
Talented, generous, educated, open
Fair, reasonable, flexible, handsome
Someone I respect and trust
Worthy of all I am and will be.

Okay, looking at it now, that was awful. Nowhere near some of my better work. But it was written at a time when I was at the brink of losing my mind, and I’ve come full circle back to that tonight. That’s gotta mean something, right? When you’re ready, my future best friend, confidante, protector, supporter, lover, hero, hello.