Thu 30 Jun 2005
So I’m analyzing my social self. I had an impending-doom feeling all day because I knew I was getting too high and overly giddy and way ahead of myself. I still don’t know how to rein it in. But I knew that I’m putting too much into what may be nothing. My bailiff helped by being so supportive and optimistic. So I’m feeling let down and discouraged. It wasn’t even that anything “bad” happened, it was just that nothing amazing happened. And just like that, I felt like throwing my hands up in defeat and looking for some steady ready comfort that I really don’t want and really isn’t worth it in the long run.
And I thought, “Why is this? Why are my expectations so high?” I’m about to make a confession of the most conceit ever. *Sigh* 1.) Every ex-boyfriend or even semi-serious dating relationship I’ve ever had have come back to try to secure a second (maybe third or fourth) chance. The begging process is like pouring fat into my ego. “I miss you, I am still in love with you, look at you, you are so amazingly beautiful/hot/smart/fun/good etc etc etc.” Some of these exes still tell me things like this to this day. What I should’ve noted: these guys are not objective; they are wearing rose-tinted lenses. 2.) I get my ego stroked all day long at work by men who either work around me or come into contact with me thru their occupations. What I should’ve noted: these men, most of whom are married, are sick of the day-in and day-out grinds with their wives so any woman younger and different from the spouse seems like greener grass than the lawn at home. 3.) I’ve become spoiled by getting my dates/boyfriends from men who come up to me and hit on me, or otherwise pursue me. What I should’ve noted: I haven’t done the work of pursuing and successfully turning the head of some guy I had my eye on first, so what made me think that I can have or get any (single) guy that I want? 4.) I think I’m buying into my own sour grapes bullshit that I’d been telling myself over and over since my breakup with the most recent ex: You don’t need to be with a cheater, you can do so much better! You’re still young, you’re fun, active, witty, you have no financial problems, the only debt you have is your mortgage, you’re pretty and it’s been a long time, years, since you were crying over unrequited love because most guys do end up liking you, even some people you don’t want having feelings for you seem to start. You just let the guys come to you and you have veto power. You don’t need to settle. You can even afford to aim higher!
So what do I do know, having to face the mirror and see a deluded woman who’d just been put in her place? I don’t know, but I feel like taking a time-out and going to the corner to lick my wounds. Oh, that’s right, I’m going up north this weekend to do nothing but stuff that makes me happy. Levity, not gravity, this weekend. I hope I feel better by then. If not, then that’s why this weekend’s placed in my life right here. I could surely use it.
I’m not sure what you messaged me earlier on AIM, but I promptly came here to see your update. Cindy, we all feel this way at some point — at most points. I have been debating lately, which is harder work — staying happy, or actually being sad? It struck me that being sad actually should be harder work, because it is generally twisting every normal, positive thing into a dark and dire circumstance. “I fucking hate traffic,” when in fact, this sure beats the time I had no car because it was involved in a horrible hit-and-run which made my parents not speak to me for a month. And so on, and so forth. So, don’t let that perceived “truth” get the best of you. Everything you saw, is what it is. Not rose-tinted lenses, disillusioned married men, or easy pick-ups. How many girls can say that 75% of their exes came crawling back? How many girls can be flattered on a daily basis at the workplace? How many girls get picked up by just turning her head, even if they’re not all JFK Jr. incarnates? Remember, that it feels so easy to get down on yourself, but the reality is that you are working harder to be blue than you are to be happy. The happy part is obvious, and easy, and so maybe this can be one time in your life when you’re not reaching for the challenge!
Karen, this is a really good perspective, and novel to me. Your blog seems to reveal a more upbeat attitude recently, too. I’m probably just at a down cycle. My self-esteem’s pretty shot. I know this entry was vague as to what I was referring to and what happened, and it’s intentionally that way. If we chat I’ll fill you in. Meanwhile, I’ll try to instill your advice about not trying to psyche myself out of something positive. (How can I not, tho? The higher up I am, the harder I’ll hit the ground when I fall, so I have to taper it by keeping myself from climbing that high.)
Ha, is it upbeat? Be careful when my blog is upbeat; it usually means I am forcing an attitude on myself. My natural state is cynical and sarcastic. Be sure to check out today’s post!
Overall, though, I do try my best. I don’t think that, for most of my life, I’ve had much to complain about.
Ditto.
i feel your pain. =( but that’s no surprise. at least you won’t feel like no one understands you. unlike some other prior comments, people DO get you.
on the other hand, i am grateful that our connection goes way beyond a few years as roommates, even though it sometimes takes a diffcult episode to highlight that fact.