There was a bailiff in here earlier talking to my bailiff. The conversation (in which I did not participate) was about whether money makes people happy. My bailiff said he had the house, the family, the life, but the problems and betrayal surrounding his wife made life very difficult and unhappy. The other bailiff said that he’s seen all kinds. He’s seen people who are rich and miserable; poor and happy; poor and suicidal because they can’t get their life together and move up; and rich and happy because they don’t want for anything. “But by far, the category of people I’ve seen who are the most happy,” he said thoughtfully, “are women who don’t need men and are completely content with themselves without having a man around.”

I perked up. That’s been true of both me and my court reporter. We’ve both been miserably hurt in our relationships, and she said (referring to her daughters) once a girl gets to dating age, there is such a world of hurt and disappointment opening to her. My reporter and I don’t need a lot; we’re self-sufficient. We don’t need a man for money or for gifts. We don’t need someone so hot he’d make all our friends jealous. We’d just like someone we get along with whom we can respect and love, and all we ask in return is that he be there for us and not hurt us. And they can’t even do that.

Does life get lonely or boring for me as a single woman? Of course. Sometimes. But now my laughs flow more easily than the tears. My food goes down easier without the lumps in my throat and the dryness in my mouth. The colors are brighter, the small things are more lovely, birds sing louder, music sounds more upbeat, life is more vibrant. My mind is able to expand and be open to things, no longer locked down and smothered by fear, anxiety, and pain.