I thought a lot about my ex today for some reason. Lots of things reminded me of him, as lots of things normally do, but today I wasn’t able to just push all thoughts away the moment they reared their ugly heads. The result was I spent too much time rethinking things I should’ve said or done, and things that were done to me.

In my boredom driving home, I decided to reach some old contacts, and one friend I called is married to one of my ex’s closest buddies. I originally called her to say hey and ask if she and her hubby (the only friend of the ex’s whom I’m still very fond of) still had my Lord of the Ring DVDs. But as the phone rang, I suddenly had the sick feeling that she may know something about my ex’s current situation and casually tell me. I became horrified and hoped desperately that she wouldn’t pick up the ph0ne, and yet I was unable to hang up. As the ringing continued, I thought about how I’d feel if I found out the ex indeed got together with the student he cheated on me with. I would, even now, be absolutely devastated. It would feel like all the talk and the convincing he had given me about how he no longer has feelings for her, that she was just a weird phase, that he loves only me, that he never loved her, that he has no interest in even pursuing a friendship with her any longer, that there’s no future between him and her, that she’s far from perfect, that he hated her for being the reason our relationship destructed, that he hated himself for destroying our relationship for nothing and she was the nothing, that he was so mad at her for contacting me and telling me things about them that he wanted to go kill her, that he couldn’t be with anybody or love anybody for a long time, if ever again…it would feel like all of that, and the measure of comfort believing those things gave me, would be all lies. It would feel like I made him a better person so that he could give it away to the most undeserving of people, the most hurtful person he could get together with where I’m concerned. But that’s already happened once. I bought all the stuff he said before, too, about how insignificant she is to him and how “she’s not a threat to” me, only to find out that it was all untrue, and he had bled me for her. Repeatedly. Until I had literally almost reached death three times. It hit me today why I was so passionate about the Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt split. I had already a very severe distaste for angelina jolie, and I was a huge, HUGE fan of Aniston’s (I’m indifferent toward Pitt), so when crap was rumored and Aniston filed for divorce papers, I understood exactly where she was coming from. And after she moved out despite Pitt’s continued attempts to convince her nothing was going on between him and jolie, and now the relationship between Pitt and jolie has hit mainstream news and people can’t understand why Aniston is devastated and hurt because after all, she’s the one who wanted the divorce and moved out, I understood that perfectly, too. It’s because in spite of all her gut feeling that something is seriously wrong, a part of her heart still clung desperately to the belief that her husband did not lie to her, that despite feelings for another woman (who wanted to be a MORTICIAN and took embalming classes and instead of exchangnig wedding rings w/her last husband, exchanged vials of each other’s blood which they wore around their necks), he did not betray her and he would not get together with a woman whose existence destroyed his marriage.

Yeah, everything goes back to “Friends.” Speaking of friends, thank God the friend never picked up her cell. I didn’t leave a voice mail.