Sat 27 Aug 2005
One of the worst things I have felt is to watch someone I care about very much not do well, and feel completely helpless to do anything about it. And even as I stood helplessly, he looked upon me to offer him something to improve the situation, and I racked my mind, but in the time it took for that, he was already disappointed at my lack of response and fading fast. And the feeling at this moment, the feelings of ineptitude, confusion, failure, fear, all joined together and are screaming at me in unison – You fool, have you not had enough of this world? Why did you put yourself back out there? Withdraw to the safe place you were even one week prior.
As wonderful as those memories of one week ago were — the closed invulnerability, the peace of letting no one in — I still hug my knees in tears instead of regressing back to the happily balanced girl because, I whisper back against the yelling, I still care.
It’s very normal to feel so while we are trying to adjust for the balance. On and off our feeling may be strongly directing towards one side. Back to the point of asking “what I really want?” but don’t stress about it too much as time WILL really tell.
The worst mistake I ever made was trying to be friends with my ex. He just ended up using me over and over again because he knew I still cared about him and in the end had the nerve to tell me I was “clingy”.
Yeah, I did realize the potential for being taken advantage of during that window of time in which a hurt person is willing to do virtually anything to get things back to “normal” again. I think it’s the denial stage of coping w/grief or whatever.