My friend picked me up at 7am this morning to go kayaking around Balboa Beach. When I say “kayaking,” I meant that he was kayaking and I just sat there and enjoyed the view. (Once the offer was made that I can just sit there if I want and not paddle, I took him up on it. I did feel bad, tho, but it’s not like I add 200 lbs to his load.) We docked at Balboa Island and had breakfast at a restaurant there. Then we walked around a bit, then he paddled us (hee hee) around a boat that was completely overtaken by fat sea lions, then paddled back to his truck. Next we hung out at his house for a bit and I chatted w/his very lively 14 yr old daughter, then we had a late lunch at a BJs in his area. I’m at BJs way too much. And unfortunately, the reason we went there was because I wanted a framboise Lambic. I’m turning alcoholic.

Among the many topics of conversation, some hilarious, some thought-provoking, some entertaining, we hit upon the issue of my current state of mind re relationships. And I suddenly realized how incredibly jaded and commitment-phobic I am right now. He gave me the same lecture as everyone else: You should still give people a chance; you shouldn’t shut down; the highs and lows of a relationship are good things; not every guy is bad news; the highs in love make the lows worthwhile. I adamantly disagreed with him, as I did with everyone else who has already told me this stuff. I would rather have flat affect re love and not experience any highs if it means I will never feel that low again.

I know this sounds horrible to most people. But let me explain. I was burned badly in the last relationship. And then in the couple pseudo-dating relationships I’ve had since then, the guys have kinda freaked out on me right at the point where I was starting to get attached. Once bitten, twice shy. The last time, I even surprised myself at how low I felt. Ah, the familiar misery, anxiety, befuddlement. Screw that. My threshold mood right now is very high. I grinned like an idiot in the shower this morning just because the hot water felt so good. The feeling of nothing weighing on my mind, that no one has the power to bring me down, that is a level of security and peace that I am, at this point, completely unwilling to give up. Because there’s no one who’s actively making my life miserable presently, I am made happy by so many more things, such small things, like seeing the rounded breast fuzz of a young sparrow, having the freedom to hang out with whomever I want, having the freedom to pick up and go on a whim to visit friends or to vacation somewhere, without consulting anyone else and having to deal with separation anxiety of either party. Even staying late after jujitsu to chat with classmates. I am always so, so happy.

This also explains why I can hang out w/a bunch of different men, but the moment one appears to pursue something nonplatonic, I wig.

Maybe it’ll pass. Maybe meeting the right guy will force it to pass. Meanwhile, I am more than content surrounded by good friends and fun activities.