Mon 17 Apr 2006
I was driving to the gym at lunch, and I thought about what it is in my life I would want different from how it is now. Is there someone else’s life I wish I had? I thought of all my friends, people I know of. Sure, some of them have things I wish I had. Diana’s salary (but I don’t envy her workload), the “Dr.” before Vicky’s name (but I don’t want to be a pharmacist), Sandy’s figure (but I don’t need the amount of “player hatin'” that goes on around her). Maybe someone else’s car. I dunno. But as far as changing my life? I wouldn’t. I’ve got two close high school friends I’m still in touch with who are now married. And I don’t envy them. Other friends whom I’ve met when they’re already married…don’t envy that aspect of their lives, either. (In fact, some of then envy me.) Friends with kids? Don’t care. I like that I can, without consideration to anyone, invite a friend to stay with me for a month, and that she and I can just up and go to a bar or go eat and hang out, just cuz we feel like it. We can stay up all night and watch a movie. (Well, I actually fell asleep on this one, but the point is, I can try.) I can go goof off in Northern Cal for a weekend with Diana & Friends, no need to look for childcare. I can go to Hawaii for 2 weeks in November with my jujitsu dojo, without concern I’d be taking food from the mouth of my family to do so. So for me right now, life is exactly as I want it to be. No envy for anyone else’s situations.
I just wish I weren’t (almost) 30. 30 is such a “settling down” age in my head.
I said I was going to skip all your turning 30 comments/fears, (because you make me feel old even though I’m still in my 30s)… I swear you’re not going to have to sign up for senior citizen’s discounts anytime soon… no geritol for you Missy!! But I realize that I probably had the 30 *gasp* fear at one point too… I can’t remember because I’M SO DAMN OLD and it was sooooo long ago!
If you think you are happy.. then you ARE happy.
What really matters right now, IS right now. Focus on right now.
Maybe there are people who are envying you…
Are you starting the count-down? It’ll be a big celebration, not because turning 30 means you’re old, but it is another phase of life, a positive phase of life resembling maturity, wise and yet you can still have plenty of fun. 🙂
Jordan – I’m sorry, I was too self-absorbed to realize that I may be making people feel old when I don’t even think they’re old. I’m just documenting this symbolic stage of my life, just as if I had blogged back in ’98, I would’ve documented the fears I had of graduating college and plunging into the “real world” when your next semester or year is not preplanned for you and your peers are not all at your level and age and your training wheels come off and you are at a real risk for falling (getting arrested, screwing up your finances and losing your assets, getting fired, becoming homeless, etc…I suppose all these things could’ve happened in college, too, but I felt more cushioned). It’s a time for self-reflection and self-evaluation. Altho for me, I suppose that time is a constant.
I’m not good at just appreciating the “now”. I’ve done it here and there in flashes, but I’m more a goal-oriented person. I need to know where I’m going and then slowly work in that direction. Without a direction in my head, I’m seriously uncomfortable because I don’t know how to plan or even evaluate even the smallest of my next step.
Jade – I haven’t started the countdown. I’m still pushing back. Where’re the brakes? Wah! But I know you’re right. 30 should be one of the best years of my life. I’ve got experience, pain, joy, security, friends, family, health, cat. My burdens are few. What more could a gal ask for?
No apologies! I’m just playin’ with you .. I know that this is definitely a time of reflection.
I think I’m more of a now person. That doesn’t mean I’m aloof.. just more focused on ‘now’ than I used to be. Maybe it’s a late 30s thing? I know for a fact I wasn’t a ‘now’ person in my late 20s.