I don’t know why it surprises me, especially considering how I am, but it does. Telling someone my frustrations or other little complaints bums the person out. I guess I’m just used to being ignored or not taken seriously, because my experience is that when I bring up concerns to another person, these complaints tend to float in one ear and fly out the other. They are quickly forgotten, if even acknowledged in the first place. I just figured that, especially with guys, whatever displeases them are waved off. Except that today, after my observation of, “Are you upset about something?”, it turned out that my prior unhappiness had gathered and stacked up not only in my own head (which is really where I expected it all to remain if it were to remain anywhere), but on the shoulders of the other person, too. He said he feels that there are so many things about him that I’m unhappy about. I was so shocked that I didn’t know what to say. A guy? Keeping track? To the point that it bothers him? I asked him why he didn’t note the things that I am happy about but happened instead to focus on the unhappy things. He shrugged. Should I make him a list of the good things, I asked? He gave a half-laugh.

I’m not sure how to feel about the fact that my being unhappy actually affected someone, because wow, someone actually gives a shit about my feelings. (My expectations are so low.) On the other hand, I didn’t take into account that what I do or feel has any remaining impact beyond the actual conversation or fight or whatever deals with it directly.

This is a hard post to write. It’s all muggy in my head, too. I just feel bad.