As much as I can say that vulnerability is a beautiful and essential part of the true intertwining of hearts, and almost believe it when I’m consoling someone else who is the experiencer of this tender and agonizing vulnerability, the truth is that in myself I see it as a weakness. I am proud when I laugh at someone, turn my back to someone, dismiss someone’s feelings because they do not move me. I find few things more frightening than the point of realization that someone else has access to make me feel and do things involuntarily, because when I’m at this point, I perceive the other person as having more control than me over my own feelings. It is at this point where I feel that I’ve given more emotionally than the other person has, that I miss the other person more than he does me, that I think about him more than he does me, that I love the other person more, and shit, he is more important to me than I am to him. This is only the beginning of what can go wrong. If he means so much to me, I’ll put up with his placing me on low priority, as he will because I’m not as important to him. I will be thinking of him and considering him in my decisions as he makes all his decisions based only on what’s convenient for him and what will make him happy. And I will be sacrificed — not only by him, but by myself — to make him smile. To make him love me the way I do him. How pathetic. I really despise myself when I feel I “need” someone. I don’t want to “need”. Every physical thing in my life is controlled by me and I am completely self-sufficient financially, physically, socially. Why is it so hard to keep my heart sovereign?