I was chatting with my court reporter about why it is that people respond to certain things a certain way. She suggested that when we are angry or indignant, it is often because something offended our ego. The ego speaks loudly and is selfish, it is the voice that booms, “How dare you do this to me. You hurt me, now I’m gonna do this to you.” She says to listen to the smaller, calm voice that says, “In the large scheme of things, this isn’t a big deal. I’ll bring up that I would’ve appreciated if you did this or that instead, but I’ll listen to and understand where you’re coming from.” If people focused on how they affect other people instead of being offended by how others affect them, she said, think how much more positive everything would be. Instead of saying, “You didn’t give me this present I wanted, you’re thoughtless,” go out and buy the person a present. Then you wouldn’t even have the time to think about what they should give you, or rather, what your ego feels you’re entitled to that they’re falling short on. “The ego makes us very angry, and when we’re angry, we can’t see the truth. They can tell us a perfectly fine explanation, but you’re so wrapped up in ‘you hurt me’ that you can’t accept what they’re saying. It’s like them throwing a rock into water. If the surface is all rippled, you can’t see anything in the water. But once the surface is calm, everything suddenly becomes clear and you can see inside the water.”

I’d never thought about the ego as a separate entity which has the power to muck things up because of its misguided perceptions. But I agree with her. It seems that often when I’m upset, it’s not so much that they did something to truly injure me, but they’ve offended my ego. If I could keep ego out of it, I can respond much better without the anger. If someone did something malicious to me, I can see the person as toxic and simply remove myself from this person’s life. And if someone does something that’s kind of thoughtless but not bad, I don’t have to be angry because there’s no ego saying that I ought to be offended because their actions must mean this or that.

I hope this line of thinking doesn’t turn me into a doormat.