The long-awaited psychic solicitation letter from Maria Duval has arrived. Yup, once you’re on one mailing list you’re on all of ’em.

The gimmick for this particular letter is a lot more interesting than that of Miss Elizabeth’s and Dr. Marissa Von Trapp’s (read about my receipt of Miss E’s 1st letter here, her 2nd letter here and other related stuff here). Miss E said that the archangel Michael appeared and pleaded with her to help me. I can’t remember how Van Trapp claimed she found me, but her letter had some tarot card enclosed with a ton of positive predictions that would only happen if I paid her $25 so that she could cast spells for me so that I wouldn’t miss the diamond tennis bracelet I’m supposed to find on the ground, for one example.

Maria Duval does not claim to be a psychic herself. Indeed, she does not tell you what she does, only that she was in her office doing some filing with, apparently, some dude named Nicos Daskalos hanging out there, too, and this guy is “a man of faith capable of performing miracles.” As her story goes, “I came across some older files on my desk. Among them, there was your name, Cindy [last name] living at [my address]! Nicos Daskalos was with me at the time. Suddenly, as if hypnotized, his eyes were fixed on these files for several minutes, then he said to me:
‘Listen Maria, you must urgently put us in contact. I can see a person very open to the spiritual world and the things which I will convey could save that person and reverse any misfortunes which this poor soul has been experiencing.’
Taken aback, I answered him ‘no problem, Nicos, but what do you want me to say exactly?’ ”

Apparently, that was when Nicos disclosed that I’m supposed to have some long-sought significant change take place from October 3 but that there’s an evil element that could stop this great thing about to happen to me and thereby affect my destiny by stopping this change. “It’s absolutely imperative that we neutralize the affecting saturnine influences which are related to that very specific date.” Since I don’t have delusions of grandeur and expect to turn into some Christ-figure, I’m gonna say that this so far just reminds me of a Buffy or Angel episode. Then some stuff about who Nicos is and his “extraordinary powers,” and of course, HER personal vouching for him that she holds him “in very high esteem and I have a great deal of admiration for his extraordinary powers.” Well gosh, I was skeptical of him until YOU told me such, Maria! Whomever YOU are! Anyway, her letter goes on and on through 5 pieces of paper, front and back, and the last page ends with your payment option. Check? Money order? Please make those out to Maria Duval (why would I pay her instead of Nicos? hmm, could it be that this Nicos doesn’t exist? Maybe Nicos is her fake money cow, like “nickels,” as Marissa Von Trapp “traps” you). Cash? Mastercard and Visa. As for how much she wants, just a measely $10. And then you sign the agreement. If your miracles don’t happen (I didn’t even read the letter to find out what riches and love and luck are promised me), you get a refund. Like many people are gonna jump thru hoops to get $10 back. But if they collect $10 from 100 people, that’s $1000! And I’m sure they sent this to a ton of people considering they didn’t use a postage stamp, they used a presorted standard pre-printed stamp seal. OH, COME ON! How many files did this Nicos guy zone out on, Maria? How messy is your desk?! Maria Duval, by the way, is from Everett, MA so these scams are not just based out of Beverly Hills like the first one.

Oh, I almost forgot the best part. There is a second letter written in what appears to be Russian handwriting, on what appears to be blue ink on lined notebook paper. It’s 6 pages, and it’s signed by Nicos himself. When I look closely, I can see the little pixels that form the letters, which means it’s NOT written by hand, it’s STILL computer-generated, mass-produced. Lemme just skim thru Maria’s letter to see her description of what this Russian letter is.

Oh, apparently it’s 7 “parchments” to help you save yourself from “Kaliyuga,” which he says is “a dark era during which corruption reigns and the forces of destruction seek to anihilate humanity.” (Again, any Angel fans here?) The 7 parchments are “karma,” “love and affection,” “wealth and prosperity,” “inner peace,” “protection,” “health and longevity,” and “luck.” I won’t get into the descriptions of each parchment. Mainly because I refuse to read 10 pages of scare tactics about how I’m doomed and the only thing that stands between me and “anihilation” is the $10 it takes to pay Maria Duval.