Apples are just kewl, aren’t they? When I was little, I’d imagine that early peoples (like Neanderthals, I guess) who didn’t know what an apple was would be handed this red hard rock-looking thing, and be told to bite into it. They’d dubiously look at the object in their hand. “But it’s hard. And I’m thirsty.” Then the apple introducer would explain that yes, it is a solid, but as you chew it, liquid comes out that you can just swallow directly. So they’d take their first hesitating bites. *Crunch, crunch, chug, chug.* “This is amazing! And it’s sweet! Apples are kewl!”
“Yes, and it cleans your teeth, too! Feel how squeaky clean your teeth surfaces are.”
*lick lick, squeak squeak*
(Cut me some slack. I am an only child. But my Barbies and stuffed animals always had the most interesting conversations with each other.) It’s juice, that travels easily. You don’t have to worry about spillage, it’s all contained in these solid-looking cells.

Now, there are so many different sizes, textures, flavors. You like slightly more sour juice with cleaner teeth? Gnaw on this Granny Smith apple. You like crisp and syrupy sweet? Here’s a Fuji apple. Have one a day! It keeps the doctor away! As you chew and drink, chew and drink, you’re actually getting all these great tasty vitamins and antioxidants, too! Easy delivery method, no pill-swallowing required.

Plus, there’s just something about apples that helps you go poo. I don’t know what it is, maybe all the fiber goes through your system and scrapes your innards clean on its way back out.

You want cold juice? Refrigerate an apple! And altho I’m not a fan of this, you can have your apples hot, too, cut in chunks and wrapped up in sugar and pastry shells!

Apples are as kewl as bar soaps are neato!

(Read the 1st in the Miraculous Series [which may turn out to be just a two-part post instead of a whole series, I dunno yet], The Miraculous Soap Bar.)