Tue 20 Mar 2007
After work on Monday evening, I watched Mr. W cut his own hair with an electric hair trimmer razor thingie. He cuts his son’s hair with that trimmer, too, but had always turned down my half-joking request for him to cut my hair, claiming he didn’t know how to work with long hair. “If I had a boy-cut, would you cut my hair with that thing?” I asked him now.
Between the buzzing of the trimmer, he said, “Yes.”
I leaned farther out against the chairback I was resting my chin and hands on, crouched on the seat facing backwards like a little dog looking out a window. “Would you still be attracted to me if I had a boy-cut?”
Bzzzz. Bzzzz. “Yes.”
I peered at him, watching him stroke the blade methodically from the base of his skull up the back of his head. “Are you lying?” I asked.
Bzzzz. Bzzzz. “Yes.”
The chair creaked. I watched him work, observed his concentration as he examined his head from all angles between a hand-held mirror and the wall mirror that covered his bathroom closet doors. His eyes never left his reflections, which from my angle looked like a startling row of Mr. W Rockettes reflected over and over between two large opposing wall mirrors. The opposite mirror farther away from the light source reflected a darker Mr. W, so that the row of boyfriends seemed an M.C. Escher rendering of opposing and alternating pale and tan Mr. Ws.
“But what if it’s not my fault that I don’t have hair? What if I’m a cancer patient and the chemo made me lose my hair?” It didn’t seem very fair in my hypothetical that I’d have to endure cancer, its harsh treatments, and the loss of my boyfriend’s attraction to me.
I received a quick side glance. “If you had cancer and got chemo treatments, then we’d both have our heads shaved. And I’d still be attracted to you.”
For awhile, nothing in the room could be heard except the buzzing of the hair clipper and the distant churning of laundry whirling in the washing machine — the only signs of ordinariness in the extraordinary conversation I was having. His last words shimmered between us in the air in a way that was less surreal than the meaning of the words itself. I was no longer there. I was now back years and years ago, reading a newspaper article about the NFL football player who shaved his head in solidarity with his wife, who was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer at the time. I heard my past self say wistfully, “Do guys like this really exist?”
Have patience, I wanted to tell her. They do. They really do.
“Would you still be attracted to me if I had a boy-cut?†Ok, this is the kind of question that gets me in trouble. Stay with me Cindy. Instead of asking that question while I am cutting my hair, imagine asking that question when, ummm, I dunno, we are at dinner in a nice restaurant. It is asked completely out of the blue. Example, I say, “Damn these mash potatos are good.” Flat says “Would you still be attracted to me if I had a boy-cut?†So, I’m caught a little off guard and respond with the truth (call me whatever, but if you didn’t have a boy cut when I met you, don’t try one after I’ve started dating you). Now the tears start, or worse, the pouting. Next thing you know, I’m fighting for my relationship ’cause it has turned into “You don’t care.” or “I don’t know why I’m here.” My point? Stick with Mr. W. He either is a very quick thinker (I’m betting he is a chess player. You know, thinks three or four moves ahead), or he has the patience of a saint. Of course I have now opened a whole new can of worms with this comment and will have a whole seperate set of issues to deal with when I get home from work.
Bat’s response, no matter what the setting, would have been. “That’s a silly question, why do you worry about things that don’t exist? Quit trying to create a problem where there isn’t one.”
I think some men actually DO think about hypotheticals and give responses that are meaningful, rather than thinking the questions are always far fetched.
I’d shave my head, too, if you were going through chemo. But then we couldn’t hang out in public because people would think we were lovers. Well… I guess we could were shirts that said something why our heads were bald and instead of people looking at our bald heads, they would be looking at our chest. Umm… I guess that could create another problem.
Bat and Flat Coke – I love this can of worms. I have a whole theory around it. I’m gonna blog about it, cuz it deserves its space on the main page.
Vanessa – HAHAHA! I should ask you more hypotheticals. How entertaining! Maybe the t-shirts can say, “Stop staring at my chest and give a chemo patient some privacy.” OOH, they’d feel SO bad.