I used to think California driving was pretty bad, like they were just GIVING out licenses to anybody now. The way I see it, driving styles are separating themselves into two main categories. Road rage appears to be on the rise, as with ignorance of the drivers. With the first type, defensive driving is pretty much out the window — these drivers expect you to watch out for them and yield to their asshole driving styles. The second type, those who don’t drive aggressively like them drive obliviously and randomly, blocking your way, often gabbing on cell phones. I think this contributes to the aggression and road rage of the first kind of drivers.

I didn’t even realize how awful California drivers were until my vacation in Hawaii last year. When you signal on a freeway, the driver in the lane you want to change to slows down instead of speeds up to block you. They even give a hand gesture, similar to the ones we get in California, except the Hawaiian one uses ALL the fingers. What’s the rush? We’ll all get there soon enough, come on in, brother! their driving style seems to convey.

And then I went to China. I can’t say I was surprised since Taiwan driving is pretty awful as well, but I think Mr. W and his friends were treating it like a novelty. Pedestrians just walked into the street and stood still between two lanes as cars whizzed around them at full speed (yield to pedestrians? What’s that?), and then they moved up another lane and stood still again as more cars whizzed past, inches from their bodies. Thus they make their way, frogger-style, across the street. The driving was utterly unpredictable, as cars turned any direction from any lane, going the wrong way on streets if it was physically possible (and sometimes when it wasn’t), created a lane in between two existing lanes, and basically ignoring traffic lights, bikers and pedestrians. And other cars. Oh yes. Cars pulled out going the wrong way grazing within a inch of our vehicle, and yet they knew exactly what they were doing. Those going the wrong way or making odd turns or creating fake lanes would simply honk to let the relevant drivers know they were there, and the other drivers would move a little to let them make their obscure maneuvers. Needless to say, alert honking filled the air. No one was angry about it, no one was surprised. (Mr. W, me, his friends John and Lidya strolled around cities a few nights at our leisure, and every time we made it across a street, John would let out this big whoop and pick Lidya off the ground in celebration, laughing hysterically, thanking God that they were still alive, and commenting about how he hadn’t gotten such an adrenaline rush in a long time.)

I came back to California and was SO happy that people primarily drove inside of their own lanes and generally stopped when the light turned red, or when pedestrians were crossing the street. But I now have a new annoyance for pedestrians that see you driving by and deliberately step out in front of your car, forcing you to slam your brakes, as they walk slowly and haughtily across the street. “This would NOT be happening in China,” I’d grumbled more than a few times already.

So in honor of California drivers, here is something my coworker sent me a few minutes ago:

HOW TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES
1. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon . The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
2. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “Wussy”.
3. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. LA has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
5. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
6. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of LA and Orange Counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
7. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and other roadkill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
8. Mapquest does not work here, none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off- and on-ramps are moved each night.
9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”
10. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
11. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.