I can’t sleep. (Duh.) I’m in a pattern of falling asleep in front of the TV, waking up once at around 2am and deliberating whether I ought to go up to bed, and if I’m able to fall asleep again after that, then I wake up a second time at around 4am, perhaps have the same deliberation if I’m still on the couch. It’s hardest to go back to sleep if the remotest bothersome thing crawls into my consciousness. In the fragile silence and unvisibility of the night, troubles dance loudly and vividly, caught in a disturbed repetitive loop in my head.

Tonight, I’m feeling disappointed and kind of miffed. I’m not the type to make anyone do anything for me. I’d like the person to voluntarily, out of personal desire or even a sense of responsibility/obligation, to do “the right thing.” For the sake of friendship or duty, someone close enough to me for me to give her a special label on the most special of days should give me the time of day. Oh sure, I know if I insisted on it, she’d come through — but I shouldn’t have to insist on it. It just kinda sucks. Just because she said “If you really want, I can rearrange some things and go” doesn’t mean it’s not flaking, right? It’s like daring me to pull rank and order her to attend something that’s clearly unimportant and inconvenient to her, but the event had been in place, with her prior agreement, for weeks if not a month; it’s to make decisions for her things, not mine; it’s not going to cost her anything except a little time, and I’m clearly not worth that. I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s choosing to hang out with her boyfriend over me even though she’s with him all the time I haven’t seen her or heard from her in months except a few lines on an email here and there.

I’m just disappointed.