Wed 16 Apr 2008
I’m sorry, I have to vent again.
Maybe I’m more into self-preservation than you or the next person. I’m definitely more into self-preservation than Mr. W is. I have that trait because that’s just what my past experience has taught me. I look out for myself, because ultimately I’m responsible for myself and my own happiness, and I am the only factor that I can control. Other people tend to be unreliable at best.
And it drives me CRAZY that I’m trying to plan my own future, making some big, major, permanent, expensive decisions here, and there are tons of large x-factors floating out there that aren’t even MY x-factors, that would significantly change the landscape of whatever future and decisions I would make and/or be locked into. I’m not even allowed to have feedback on these x-factors because they’re not within my control and any feedback just pisses off the one who DOES have control. So I can’t plan. I wish I could just grab a hammer and nails, or better, some nail guns, and nail down these x-factors NOW so I know where the issues are and work with or around them.
And it’s crap that I have to feel guilty about feeling like this. Utter crap.
Both people need to be working on making the situation better. You shouldn’t feel guilty, because ultimately you need to watch out for yourself first. It’s the rest of YOUR life too.
no comment…
Are these pre-marital jitters or REAL issues that will ultimately affect your marriage in the long run? IN 5 years COULD this make a difference? In 10 years if he is still responding in the same manner will it drive you so bananas you want to get out of the situation all together? Does his inability to ‘deal’ with you about HIS problems drive you crazy? If he pushes you away my initial response to rejection is to run in the opposite direction. I can’t allow myself to feel it very much, it’s one of the worse feelings for me. Email if you need to…and as always drink some wine!
Vicky – He came by and visited since I’d written this, and we got to discuss some of the issues more neutrally. I listed a bunch of possible solutions in a brainstorming way instead of a “You f’ed up and now I’m telling you to do THIS” sort of way, and we tossed ideas back and forth and when I proposed things in a “What if” or “What about” sort of way, he listened, addressed them and said why it’s something we could consider or why it wouldn’t work, and we didn’t talk about each other, per se. Just the various sticky situations. So it went better this time.
Dwaine – You better comment later tonite when I cry to you about needing your number-crunching genius to work for me.
Flat Coke – Those are good points. My belief is that it really WOULDN’T matter in 5 years. I think in the next few years, the cause of these conflicts would lose their hold on him, and we’d have whole new (different, but new) problems that’ll make these seem like a long-forgotten nightmare.
As far as his responding in this manner, I think I just need more practice in checking myself before responding to HIM. Or knowing (and remembering) that he needs fruitless panic time and just letting him have that.
It’s a hard spot to be in, but since you two are planning to get married and your lives will be intertwined you do have a say so cuz it’s a situation of “our lives” not just “mine and yours.”
I see that you two talked and it went better. That’s good! . . . Very good!
What do they say… “Adversity builds character” and maybe this just made you two stronger!
Hope the talks turn into action!!
i know how frustrating that can be because i dealt with it years ago.. and the hindsight of it was, we totally had different perspectives of the same situation. and.. the situation bothered me way more than it did him..
just look at the BIG picture..
busykitty – ugh. If that saying’s true, I have “character” coming out of my ears. I’d like to enjoy some peace now without acquiring Costco-sized loads of more character. Thanks for your well-wishes!
Jordan – men! 😉
my $0.02…
there will always be x-factors! always. the important thing is not to architect the perfect plan, but to know a few key things:
(1) what level of planning are you both comfortable with? (is it ok that he doesn’t want to avalanche-proof the cabin and will simply find a way to deal with the excess snow if/when it comes.)
(2) how will you both tacklev issues as they arise? (at the first sign of danger, will one of you run for the trees while the other holes up in the cabin to wait out the storm? when the avalanche hits, will one of you shovel snow while the other sits in the corner and wallows in self-pity?) personally, i don’t do well with wallowers or freaker-outers because i feel like it’s such a waste of time and energy. redirect that energy somewhere productive — like shoveling a path to the doorway!
(3) what are both your risk profiles and are they compatible? (perhaps his risk profile is high, so the cost/benefit of avalanche-proofing the cabin just doesn’t make sense. would you simply forgo the avalanche-proofing, or would you go out and invest in an avalanche insurance policy on your own, or perhaps convince your S.O. that the two of you should buy a policy together?
differences don’t have to be bad. in fact, they can help couples balance each other out. =)
flip flop – I read your answer several times and tried in my head to apply your advice to the actual situation. I think I’m gonna have to talk to you about this sans metaphor.