I was talking to a girl friend the other day, asking how her life’s going, what’s new with her social life, etc. She told me she’d recently had a date with a new guy. He’s British and she’s digging the accent at dinner, and then as the night wears on, he thought it appropriate to disclose his sexual fetish. The way she put it was that he said his “thing” sexually is…”having a girl pee…IN his mouth.” I’m holding my tongue and reserving judgment, letting her continue. She clarified that he’s NOT referring to the typical “golden shower,” if golden showers could even be considered typical outside of Japan. He was referring to pee…in his MOUTH…while the girl is sitting on his face.

So instantly I’m imagining that I could never sleep with a guy who’s just disclosed this to me, cuz it opens whole new worlds of concern re the phrase “not knowing where his mouth has been”. But because my friend is already clearly distraught about this detail, asking me whether this truly is freaky or if she’s just a prude, I couldn’t be anything but nonchalant and supportive. I wasn’t gonna make her feel worse shrieking, “OMG, EWWWW! Who the f are you dating?! You need to SCREEN, man! Don’t just go out with the first cretin who hits on you!” Cuz that is not being a good friend. The first neutral thought that came to mind was that at least urine’s sterile. That’s what I heard, anyway. She quashed that real quick. “It’s not as sterile as you think. There’s bacteria in urine. And some people have MRSA in their urine.” I think I asked her what MRSA is, but I don’t remember what she told me. I just remember it was like, “Mrs. A?” So here’s what I told her.

I said that I guess mentally, golden showers are less gaggy than sucking on the faucet directly (haha, I slay myself) cuz at least it’s external and you could always wash it off. But the pro to sucking on the faucet is that it creates less of a mess on your body/bed. So you don’t constantly have to change your sheets or buy vinyl bedcoverings. Or be subject to people going into your bedroom, sniffing the air, and saying with a wrinkled nose, “Are you a bed-wetter?” I told her that if she truly likes the guy and truly can’t handle his fetish, maybe she could retrain or untrain him. Like, eat lots of asparagus. Bundles and bundles of steamed asparagus. For days. And then she only has to do it once. Or she could always wait for a bladder infection or UTI and then while he’s chugging away, she could say thoughtfully, “You don’t suppose the bacteria in my bladder infection would infect your mouth or throat, do you?”

Am I a good friend, or what?