(written earlier today at 3:36p and emailed to myself)

Pretenders Lyrics
I’ll Stand By You Lyrics
I was listening to the The Pretenders’ song “I’ll Stand By You” and the female speaker sings about how the man she’s singing to could show her his dark side, and when he’s upset he can act as upset as he feels without censorship for her because no matter what, she’d still stand by him and she won’t leave him.

“Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less.
…So if you’re mad, get mad
Dont hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?”

I thought about myself listening to this song, and realized that I’m still somewhat in self-preservation mode. I don’t know that I can say I’ll stand by someone who’s being really mean to me just cuz he’s having some personal issues. I’m a lot less inclined to be a doormat now than I used to be, and definitely won’t put up with what I used to. It infuriates me to read in my past diaries about the things a guy would say or do to me, and how passive my responses were, always forgiving or tolerating it while convincing myself it’s not him, it’s me, and that it’ll get better if I could just find the right set of soothing actions and affirmations to make it so. In retrospect I never resolved these problems because the problems were never mine to resolve, they were the guy’s. If he’s acting or being a jerk, nothing I do could cure him of that personality defect; he’s just a jerk, period.

And I feel a little bad about my current hardness, because if anyone deserves my old forgiving, overly-tolerant approach to relationships, it’s my imminent future husband. But even Mr. W himself had said before that he can’t believe the level to which I’d tolerated my past boyfriends’ injustices done toward me, so it’s more than likely that this feeling bad is only one-sided. I don’t think Mr. W feels very gypped.

Which is good, because I don’t think I’m ready to let go of the protective shield yet. The thought of being without that arm’s distance of protection makes me feel naked and scared. And of course I didn’t use to fear loving with abandon, even tho I was never as emotionally safe before as I am now in the arms of Mr. W. But who he is, is why even if he perceives the shield, he’d give me a kiss on the top of my head and tolerate it, just to make me comfortable.