Some months ago, I was pushing the shopping with Mr. W at Costco, admiring the early Halloween decorations that were already on display, smiling at the thought of a cool-weathered fall season in our new home, when I suddenly froze and gasped. “What?” Mr. W asked.
“I just realized, we’re gonna have to buy SO MUCH candy this year!”
Mr. W and my mom had been laughing at me since we moved in about how karma has come around to bite me in the butt, since it’s no secret I don’t do little bratty kids, and we happened to move onto a block where in our culdesac alone, there are like 20 kids. Two or three of our neighbors have twins. “Don’t drink the water,” they’d joked with us, as it seems all the neighbors got pregnant around the same time.
So at Costco, Mr. W realized I was right, and we steeled ourselves and prepared to buy lots of candy for little ghosts and goblins who’d come threatening to trick us if we don’t treat them. Mr. W bought a giant Costco bag of fun-sized Kit Kats, Snickers, Almond Joys, peanut and regular M&Ms, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Crunch, Butterfinger, and Baby Ruth bars. Halloween Friday at work, he got paranoid at the giant bag not supplying enough candy, and bought another giant sack of variety candy from his coworker, this time of Super Bubble gum, SweetTarts, Smarties, Jawbreakers, Tootsie Rolls, Now And Laters, and lollipops.

I didn’t dress up. I sat in the living room, watched Two and a Half Men and only got the door twice. Mr. W is the little-people-person between the two of us so he had candy duty, and some of the kids sounded really cute. All the moms who walked with the kids made sure to tell them, “Say the magic words!” The magic words were, to my delight, “Thank you!” Mr. W was giving out candy by the handfuls.

And Saturday morning, the day after Halloween, this is what we had left:

What the hell happened? Who’s gonna eat all this crap?! *scared*