I CAN post about my weekend along with photos, but this other thing is weighing more heavily (and uncomfortably), so I’ll blog it and get rid of its pressing nature.

I learned in a college psychology class that the motivation for suicide is commonly, if not mostly, selfish. “I’ll show you. I’m gonna kill myself and THEN you’ll all be sorry.” There’s all these superstitions or etiquette rules that deters one from speaking ill of the dead, but I’m gonna go ahead and spit some stuff out at the risk of sounding insensitive.

A coworker fairly recently, after her only child got married and moved out of the house, started renting out a room in her home to a man. She is a single mom and the extra income helped. Plus I believe she felt pretty alone in her home. I think the man was a stranger to her until she accepted him into her home, but either way, it doesn’t make this more f’ed up.

Last week she returned to her painstakingly put-together and decorated, remodeled home and ended up being barricaded out of her house the entire night as police documented her home as a possible crime scene. Her renter had killed himself in her home.

At first I of course thought, “Oh, no, how tragic!” but immediately after I thought, “He had to leave a mess before he died? For someone else to clean up? Why should this be her problem? And now she’ll have to disclose this suicide in all future real estate sales because it’s required by law and this’ll wreck her home’s value. Who the hell does that?! Why take down another person who’s doing you a favor to let you live in her home?!”

Other information came through that he was a gay man. I think the implication is that he may have been prone to being overdramatic, but I don’t think any official word has come down about his actual “logic” for suicide, if something like this could be logical.

I was just really ticked off for my coworker. She’s had to go through a lot in her life and she’s a genuinely good person; she recently spent a ton of money completely redoing Gym Trainee’s office as a surprise when Gym Trainee was off on vacation last week because she thought it’d be nice for Gym Trainee, who gets pretty screwed by administration around the building and gets kicked out of her offices a lot for someone else with squeakier wheels wanting an office space, to finally have a claimed space of her own, no matter how temporary it may be. Gym Trainee’s first day back is today and she was bowled over at all the personal touches and the amount of labor involved. That office is nicer than my entire house now, and the coworker made an appearance also as we all hung out in the office earlier, and never mentioned her home tragedy. I wanted to ask if she’s okay going into her home living alone now, whether she had to do physical cleanup alone, if there were something I could do, but of course it wasn’t the time or place during this morning’s happy occasion.

This is probably going to be the ugliest statement yet, but even dogs and cats run away into the wild to die, to avoid dying at home around loved ones.