I don’t know if I jinxed everything by writing that previous post, or if, like Flip Flop Girl said on text in the early hours of the morning to me when I was having a breakdown and she stayed with me (via cellphone texting) through it, I just happened to hit on a growth spurt… but last night broke me.

Things were going well and I was optimistic, until about 9:30p after a feeding when I asked Mr. W if he could help me put Allie (dozing in my arms) to bed, and I was tired so I was just going to stay up there with her. We all went upstairs, and she started crying hysterically. After a few minutes of this, she managed a couple of “leh”s in her crying so I figured, she drank very little from one of my breasts, so I’ll put her back on that one. She probably wasn’t done before she fell asleep. So I did that, and she had her nightcap, and dozed. Then when she was transferred from my arms to bed, she woke up screaming and crying. She cried from 9:40p straight through to 11pm and we tried EVERYTHING — swaddling, shushing, pacifier (she rejected it repeatedly), gripe water, rocking her in the rocker she sleeps in on Mr. W’s side, putting her in the cosleeper on her back on my side, and at 10:40p, because she was crying “leh” repeatedly altho I’d just fed her, I heated up some previously pumped breastmilk and bottlefed her. She drank 55 ml (nearly 2 ounces!) and refused the last 5 ml, but resumed crying “leh.” I couldn’t believe it. How could she take so much milk, refuse to eat more, yet not be full, and still cry for more? What was going on? I was totally freaked as she cried “leh” continuously in between screams.

It was a battle of wills — Mr. W was determined to get her to sleep in either her co-sleeper or rocker bed, she was determined to stay up and scream. He rocked and rocked and shook and shook the beds — both of them. She’d doze fairly often, then moments later, a small whimper and then the usual wail again. It was so discouraging. Knowing he was trying to get her to sleep on her own, I didn’t pick her up, but I was so torn and stressed, and seeing how stressed Mr. W was and upset and frustrated just made everything so much worse. The guilt came back and I found myself apologizing to him again and he told me to stop being sorry, he wasn’t mad at me.

Finally at 11pm, by rocking the cosleeper (which isn’t designed to rock) and having on both the vibration and music attachment, she was quiet for about an hour. Then at midnight, she started all over again. I was curled at the end of the bed sobbing at this point, not knowing what to do, and Mr. W came running up in a flurry and shook the cosleeper again. That didn’t work this time. He changed her diaper despite her not really needing it because he didn’t know what else to do, shushed her as he carried her around rocking her on her side, she didn’t stop. She went for almost an hour more.

This morning I was awakened at 6am by sounds of her restlessly moving around and sucking, but she wasn’t crying. Mr. W mumbled that she was up doing that since 4am. But I know I hadn’t fed her since 10:40 pm’s bottle, and I felt like I needed to feed her, but I also knew Mr. W was trying to sleep in this lack of crying and if I picked her up and fed her, the cry cycle may start all over again, and I couldn’t handle that frustration and tiredness from him again. So I laid there, crying to myself, until I got up and stole downstairs to leave a message for the lactation clinic, begging for an appointment. Then I texted Flip Flop Girl and she consoled me, said it was a growth spurt, that everything was normal and fine, and to just feed her on demand. I took Allie out of our bedroom, locked myself with her in the nursery (which is rarely used), and fed her around 7am as I cried. Later I spoke to my cousin Jennifer, who said the same thing. The lactation nurse called back and said the same thing with a tiny caveat that hopefully she didn’t have an ear infection which would affect her ability to suckle from my breasts, especially if she had a stuffy nose to go with it (Allie was sounding stuffy a few days ago and these days, some of her wails have the sound of phlegm vibrating in the back of her throat). The lactation nurse gave me their earliest open appointment next Wednesday; meanwhile I’ve been crying from stress all morning. Every time Allie wakes up I nearly have a panic attack.

We took Allie for a short walk so I could get to my ATM and we stopped at a local bagel place for breakfast. I was so relieved to see Mr. W handling Allie lovingly as normal. I keep having a fear that because he was so tired and her crying was so problematic, that he wouldn’t like her or want to interact with her anymore. But that hasn’t happened. He comforted me and told me to stop listening to him and to do what I want, pick her up or not; he said he was like me in not knowing how to handle this baby because every baby is different, and that I’m probably better prepared than he is because I have maternal instincts. Allie was good and peaceful through most of the time out, only crying on our way home from the bagel place. We walked thru an isolated neighborhood and she fell asleep in the stroller after some minutes anyway.

Thank God my mom came over around noon. She held Allie the entire time as I tearfully relayed the recent events to her (minus the outing). She said Allie’s an angel, and that she and my dad will always be available to help, I need only call her. She offered to babysit Allie so Mr. W and I could go for dinner for New Year’s, but I don’t think we’re gonna do it. No reservations could be made at with this late notice, I’d imagine. Then my mom told me stories about her early mothering experiences at age 24. She also told me it WILL get better, and I was dubious, until I realized I’m an only child so she was talking about ME, and I am not currently a crying infant. I was glad my mom was holding Allie and she was mainly sleeping — but every time Allie opened her eyes I felt my anxiety level rise, like I was going to have a panic attack. I was next to tears, had a headache and felt nauseated the entire time and still feel that way now. I think I’m seriously traumatized.