I’ve come to a few realizations which may be psychological breakthroughs.

* I must emotionally detach from Allie’s moods and crying. Babies are gonna do what babies do, and babies cry. She does her baby thing, and I should just do my mama thing around her. There’s no reason to ride the roller coaster with her. She’s not hurt, sick, and nothing’s medically wrong, so once I make sure the basics are covered (diaper, food, comfort), I’ll just let it go. The crying is temporary anyway; she’s not gonna cry for 2 days straight. I’ve watched my cousin in amazement as Baby Alex would fuss and cry as Jennifer was chatting with me, and she’d just kinda go, “Aww, I know, I know,” rock the kid a bit, and then go right back into the conversation. Totally not emotionally vested in Alex’s fussing. I need to learn to do that. I asked Mr. W about his irritation with Allie’s crying. He said he’s like a floodgate which opens wide to let the irritant in and he gets instantly affected, but as soon as the stimulus is over, his irritation response is gone. He obeserves I am more of a small hole which collects response slowly but also releases it slowly so that it takes more to affect me in the beginning, but things collect in me and given the newborn situation, I’m stacked full of yet unreleased tension.

* Maggie’s husband Tom had given me some departing words the other day: “Maybe lower the bar a little.” It hit me yesterday how TRUELY that advice hits. I’d set the bar so high because I’d expected, little naive me with no baby experience, that I will be able to follow the classes, books, anecdotes from other parents, and anticipate my baby’s every need and have an early mommyhood as smooth and uneventful as my pregnancy and delivery. However, the baby is a little person with her own will and needs separate from me, so there is no way I can control her reactions and needs, or anticipate her growth spurts, how SHE in particular feels or what SHE in particular needs at every given moment. This is not a motherhood failure on my part. I just need to go with her flow and know it’s okay.

* Being cooped up at home may have helped keep me from feeling overwhelmed the first couple of weeks, but after that, it shrunk my perspective and MESSED WITH MY HEAD. I was no longer able to see beyond the moment at hand which, if it were a moment of baby crying, was like hell. Totally out of proportion to reality. I was pretty good as a homebody, so when people gave me the advice to get out as often as I can, take walks, enjoy some sunshine, I waved it off in my head as “not applicable to my needs.” I was so wrong.

Yesterday Mr. W and I took Allie out to Target so I could buy some milk storage freezer bags. Then we went to run another errand at Bed, Bath & Beyond, and then we had lunch out on a sunny patio overlooking a man-made lake where people were walking their dogs, operating remote-controlled boats on the water, having a good time. I gabbed about my recent experiences and realizations to Mr. W, he listened and it was nice to have someone support me and tell me I’m doing fine and it’s okay, and to keep advising me gently that Allie crying is okay, it’s a baby thing, and that it won’t damage her. In the early evening, my parents came over and took Allie duty for the first time so that Mr. W and I could have an adult-only dinner. We spent about an hour and a half at a favorite sushi spot on the lake, I got more stuff off my chest, asked him how he psychologically processes the crying and stuff, learned that he knows from experience it’ll all be fine because his other two are fine. We shared some laughs, and I returned home in a MUCH better mood. I even had so much energy last nite that putting Allie down, I wasn’t in a heap of exhaustion mentally begging, “Please please please please go to sleep, please please please don’t cry, I can’t take it if you do, I’m so tired, I need to sleep, please please please don’t fuss and go right to sleep.” She actually did pretty well anyway after her nighttime nursing, altho it took her awhile (meaning 5-7 mins) to actually fall asleep in her crib. But I wasn’t emotionally attached thinking my life hangs in the balance of whether she falls asleep sooner rather than later. I slept in our master bedroom with the monitor on the baby and just got up and went to her when she had her 3-hour nighttime cries for “leh,” then put her back to sleep, came out of her room, went back to bed.

Big picture, Cindy, big picture. She’s only 6.5 weeks old; she’ll finish this stage and move on soon.