I keep checking my email hopeful that something will turn up, as if I expect an email to say, “Hey, ___ sent me to contact you, I heard you’re looking for a nanny, and I’m available with everything you want, right away.” As if I expect the perfect nanny for us to just drop in on my lap. As if, after I wrote “the list” of what I want in a nanny last night, she would materialize this morning a la Mary Poppins. Or maybe that Susanne would respond to my email and say, “I couldn’t sleep all night, I feel I’ve made a very grave mistake. Can you forgive me and allow me to work for you?” Or, “I’m sorry about the last email; the family’s kid didn’t want me to go so he wrote that email himself, and I didn’t realize it until just now. It’s not from me, and I will be there as we’d agreed in April.”

I have my next therapy appointment at 12:30p today. My mom (and dad?) are coming to watch Allie so that I can do that. I went in to her this morning, and she looked up at me from her crib with a huge smile, one little tooth and one little ridge next to it on her lower center gums, welcoming me as I told her, “Good MORNING, sweetheart!” My heart broke for her. What was going to happen to her? Who will she be with in the day? I used to picture her with Susanne, and now, no picture. So much to tell my therapist since we’d last talked a month ago. Baby teething, baby progressing, nanny found, nanny lost, cat diagnosed, cat medicated. And embryos donated.

My mom emailed me an ad from Craigslist that looked promising, a nanny making herself seem very experienced, has raised 2 kids, seems to live locally. The ad was grammatically well-written. I called the number and her husband picked up, sounded American, said she was unavailable to come to the phone right now but would call me back in 5 minutes. He asked where I live, said they were pretty close and that she used to work around the corner from us (in the ad, she says she lost her last job because the family she worked for had another baby, so the mom became a stay-at-home mom and didn’t need her anymore). I thought, Great! I can communicate well with this one. When she called back, I could barely understand her. Her accent was thick, grammar was off, and I instantly knew she didn’t write the ad. Likely her husband did. She got some preliminary information about hours needed, baby’s age, time frame I’d need her in, and then asked if she could call me back this evening at 6:30p as she was going with her husband to Los Angeles right now. She said she’s interested, but didn’t disclose how much she was asking to be paid, my question to her. I guess she’s going to discuss this with her husband. I’m thinking I’m going back to the drawing board again. Maybe pay another $100 to rejoin the website.