It took me almost 3 hours to fall asleep last nite, and Allie had a 4am awakening and feeding, and that took me another hour to start to doze afterwards, so Mr. W’s alarm woke me up right when I started to doze after that, and the snooze alarm after that. I got about 3 hours of sleep.

I really loved the first Kindercare I visited; they had a brand new infant room as they’d just switched the infants who were there into the toddler room (they “graduated”) and were accepting a new class of infants. It was new cribs, new sheets, new mattresses, new everything. I met the director and the infant room teacher, and they were very loving, professional, and knew a LOT about kids. The director had 25 years of experience and the teacher had 8. There were kids around and they knew everything about those toddlers, what each cry meant, what they needed with a certain behavior. They interacted with the kids, no TV, all age-appropriate and developmental activities. They say it takes the average baby Allie’s age about 3 days to adjust and then the napping goes on according to the baby’s routine and scheduled provided; they’re not conformed to a routine for the location. Teacher-infant ratio is 1 to 4 so they had room for 1 more. Their first new infant goes in mid-month, with an addition of another one each week afterwards for 3. The place was sparkling and their system seemed amazing. I was surprised how much they provided — sippy cups, etc. And it was going to cost less than $320/week for a 5-day plan, less for 3 days and 1 day plans.

I tearfully forewarned Laura before I left (so little time because she came a few mins late again and I had to be at the Kindercare at 10) that Mr. W’s conversation with the renters the day before was not good and it looks very likely that we would have to put Allie in daycare. It was extremely uncomfortable to leave Allie with Laura just those few hours. I checked the cam once and Allie was still down for the morning nap that I’d put her in. Once more, didn’t see anyone and the baby was no longer in her crib. I checked it again on the way home from the bank and saw Laura soothing her in her room, and was surprised because it had barely been over an hour since she woke up. At a red light, saw Allie doing the same thing that happened last time when Laura tried to nap her — Allie was rolling over and crying, unable to soothe herself in the rolled over position. She did not do that when I napped her, she went peacefully, and this likely isn’t Laura’s fault, it was just different for Allie. But I lost it. I was in hysterics. And I also knew I couldn’t do it with Laura. When I arrived home, Allie was laying listlessly in her crib with her eyes open, but soon fell asleep in a different position for her. I tried to gently tell Laura what was going on and the direction headed toward. I explained the financial impossiblity of having her. I wanted to spare her of all my “red flags” about her because there was no point adding insult to injury, I thought, and it was all a moot point anyhow as we can not pay a nanny, especially what she’s demanding of us. And I paid her in cash the hours she’d been at the house for the past 3 days.

The problem with that is that she obviously tried to salvage her job, so she tried to convince me to evict the renters, to keep her on for a few months in case things got better, to try to turn my prior words against me about how Susanne flaked on me and I said I wouldn’t do that to someone else but here I am in that position. I told her no decision was made, I was telling her where things are as soon as possible so that she could put herself out there and not cancel out on other potential jobs, etc. She said she was already committed to this job so it was too late (altho she again didn’t say anything about Saddleback so I think she’s still potentially a hire there). It was uncomfortable and her daughter stopped by while I was still in tears to go with her to their plans. She left soon after because it was apparent I needed to be alone.

I put Allie to a nap around 3p and Laura called me again from there. She wanted to negotiate and threw at me all kinds of things designed to guilt me into keeping her on at least for the month. Given the stuff she was saying, I became less and less inclined to deal with her and felt increasingly uncomfortable by the way she was trying to verbally back me into a corner. I told her I’d talk to Mr. W about her offer and get back to her that evening, but it was a loooong pressure-filled conversation.

Mr. W’s daughter came over with her boyfriend for dinner (she hadn’t been around for a few weeks) and I put Allie to bed, after which, and after many chats with Rebecca with her saying I must cut Laura off immediately because this was going to get worse and I can’t keep her for a month because this is just the beginning of her true colors, I made the call. It was basically her berating me for an hour about what a horrible person and hypocrite and liar and bad mother I am, altho she never used those words. She demanded to know how I could do this given that Susanne did it to me; I tried to explain that Susanne took a better deal for herself, whereas I was in an unexpected situational change and my baby comes first. I did have to tell her how I was uncomfortable with the month because I’d wondered about her priorities being her kids over Allie, which is a good thing for her and I hope to be as good a mother as she is, but bad for me as Allie’s mother. I need to think about the baby’s needs first. She said “Wow, I guess I shouldn’t be honest and tell people about my relationship with my daughters.” It was a lot of comments like that, it sounded like she couldn’t understand or accept what I was saying, didn’t see anything wrong on her end re my feeling insecure about the fact that she wasn’t there as much as I needed during a transition (she said that in every baby book, it says the transition shouldn’t be long, and should be as short as possible, so she already had felt that a week was unnecessary and that a couple days at most was best, but she imposed that on me, not the other way around, and she’d never communicated that. either way, she ought to do it the way *I* need to be comfortable, not the way SHE wanted), said that I had to understand SHE was going thru a transition with HER kids as well cuz when she starts the job she wouldn’t be around for her daughters as much. (They’re grown! And they were allowed to visit!) I was basically passive and explained the things she demanded of me, listened to her rail me and I simply told her I understood how she felt, but that I didn’t feel I have the time she seems to, to drag this on another month at her request. I didn’t feel like I could handle a month of limbo and then another transition after Allie got attached to her. She claimed Allie woudln’t have problems transitioning, so I should allow HER the courtesy of a minimum 2-week notice before termination. I said this isn’t a corporate job situation, this is my baby. She said she would’ve at LEAST done that for ME and I was going back on my word of our agreement. I said we were in a transitional, pre-trial period, it wasn’t to the point of agreement yet, but she disagreed. Besides, after all the berating, I KNEW I could not be comfortable leaving my precious baby alone all day for weeks with her while I was helpless an hour away at work. “I’m just so SURPRISED at your BEHAVIOR,” she kept saying. In the same tone she had said during negotiations, “Well, don’t YOU get paid when you take vacation?” to say why we should pay her full base pay plus any overtime on days of our vacation and her vacation. It ended with her demanding how I could do this, why, how was I different from Susanne? Didn’t like what I said, said we were going in circles, cried, and then hung up on me.

She has my sleep book, and I don’t want to get it back from her.

I had a loooooong talk with Rebecca after that. Rebecca strongly supports me and doesn’t feel I did anything wrong; of course Allie had to come first, and Laura was the beginning of bad news. If she was that demanding already, and controlled things in a way that I was uncomfortable with so immediately, it was going to get worse if she stayed and had a month to attach more — even to the point of lawsuit. Right now, because she’d only been on part-time for 3 days, the courts would see her as just a temporary babysitter who got proper compensation for her time. We were not in a contract period; we weren’t past the tryout period, and I DID give her early notice as soon as I knew things had changed; I didn’t stall her in the dark for a month just to get some use out of her and then say it wasn’t working when I had other things in place. Rebecca found her controlling behavior, and the things she said to me over 3 long conversations to be “appalling,” said I was manipulated, and asked me to put myself in Laura’s shoes; would I tell a new boss or a new judge I’m working for, “You want me in when? No, I’m going to come in later. No, I won’t be in that day, I’m going do spend time with my daughter instead.” Nope, especially not the beginning. And I certainly wouldn’t guilt him for having a problem with it afterwards. She basically feels wronged, and I get that. But to protect Allie, I can NOT have someone like this alone with her. Besides, she was due to take Allie back to her place next Wednesday when the cleaners are here, and we never got the invitation to her place nor do we have her address, all of which were supposed to be covered in the 1st transition week which she blew off.

Last night, I still felt rotten. I hope to get over it very soon.