I was feeling comfortable enough with Jayne that I didn’t cry at all my first day back at work yesterday. I did find it hard to look at the babycam monitors and didn’t do it much, especially around the time she was supposed to go down for a nap, because I felt too emotionally fragile if I should see crying or struggling. I know that things will be fine and to expect a little adjustment period, but to see it or live it minute-by-minute would be too hard.

Work was good; I met the new supervisor (who is very nice and effective), a bunch of coworkers/friends came by to say hello and to welcome me back with warm hugs, and many judges complimented me that I don’t look like I’ve been off for maternity reasons. It’s rather amazing to me that so many coworkers observed that I appear smaller now than before I was pregnant. I am, but I didn’t think it was that noticeable. I wouldn’t have expected people to remember what my size was before I was pregnant, it was so long ago. Mr. W rearranged his schedule and got a coworker to cover for him so that he could take me out to lunch on my first day back. It was a nice day. I pumped the first time in judge’s chambers (because the jury room was being used for a mandatory settlement conference) and the second time in the jury room after lunch. We managed to make it back home in time for me to feed Allie her 4th feeding for the day, because her afternoon nap ran long. Jayne was fine and said it was a great day.

Allie’s first nap apparently went down like a dream; not a peep, not a protest. Allie’s second nap was reportedly “odd.” She had turned herself from her tummy to her side and struggled a little to turn back to her tummy but couldn’t. But she was tired, so she just napped on her left side, sucking her left thumb. Jayne said it was kind of a restless nap, but she did nap. The third nap was of course fine and ran long probably to make up for her less restorative second nap. Allie got a bath last night and didn’t cry and we started her bedtime routine a little earlier since she has been looking very tired and drowsy at 6:30p. She was fed and in bed by 7:15p, slept through the night again.

This morning, like yesterday morning, Allie woke on her own at 6:20a, saving me from having to rouse her myself at 6:15a. I’ve woken her once at 6:15a last Friday and I hated doing it. After I nursed her and brought her downstairs where Mr. W and Jayne were chatting, I asked how Jayne felt, whether she could see herself doing this long term. She gave a big smile and said, “Oh yeah, 10 years should be good.”

Today, I probably shouldn’t have looked at the monitor at 9:15a but I expected her to be already in her crib for her morning nap, which should’ve started around 8:30a all things being “normal.” Instead, I saw that she’d scooted herself all the way to the top of the crib, her head against the corner of the bumpers (thank goodness we put in her crib bumpers last week), propping herself up, looking around, running into the bumper corner, not sleeping. I was kinda messed up after that. Not to the point of tears, but the anxiety hit. I stopped watching immediately. By the time I looked again later, Jayne had picked her up and was bottlefeeding her, which was a good thing if she wasn’t napping. I’m hoping she didn’t miss her nap, she just had a shorter one. She was eating on time at 9:40a or so because her morning feeding was now 6:30a instead of 7a-ish. I looked next a little after 10:30a and saw Allie already napping in her crib. I assume she was giving sleepy signs early from her morning nap being short. And Jayne did the right thing; advance her next nap because she had a shorter first nap. Allie had against scooted herself up to the front end of the crib and her head was against or near the front bumper. I guess she’s just about to start crawling.

Meanwhile, work is at a nice pace. I’ve had a few little hearings and events in the mornings, but nothing overwhelming and I’m grateful I didn’t come to work after being off for 5 months and walk right into the midst of a death penalty jury trial or something like that. Today, I did my first pumping in the judge’s chambers again. It seems to take a long time (20-25 mins) to set up, pump, store, and clean up (and I’m not even washing). I gotta figure out how to streamline it more, or if I’m gonna take the same amount of time wiping out the pump parts and pouring the milk together, I may as well do the pouring into storage bags and thorough washing of the parts so I can save myself that work when I get home.