Just got back from watching Brokeback Mountain with a bunch of coworkers. Oh! Oh! The discussions one could have about the acting, the realism, the psyches, the social issues, the social issues of the 60s and 70s, the list goes on. It was a beautifully portrayed doomed love story. It makes you want to cry for the inability of love to burgeon outside of a vacuum (even one as beautiful as Brokeback Mountain), the social impossibility of amor vincet omnia. I think Heath Ledger’s Ennis truly was the love of Jack’s life, despite Jack’s other sexual escapades, because of the way Jack’s mother treated Ennis toward the end of the movie. Her clear eyes watched him with love, as if acknowledging that this is the man her son loved, and said against the background of her husband’s gruffness toward Ennis, “You will come back and visit us again?” One of our group felt that Ennis treated his relationship with Jack rather discardedly, but I think they were both the centers of each others’ universe and the other stuff was just to occupy time, and one just dealt with it better than the other.

And then the debate… when do you call a relationship quits? My theory was sorta mocked; I find it easier to put everything into a relationship to try to salvage it, instead of ending it prophylactically. Especially when you have some time invested. My instincts definitely are to run before I get too burned, but what ends up happening is I stay and suffer and toil through it, because I don’t want to get to a point where I doubt my decision to leave by all of the what-ifs. Then I’m vulnerable to being sucked back in. If I stay and don’t leave until I’m sure there is no light at the end of the tunnel, leaving is a last resort and it brings me a sort of peace that I’ve done all I can, and there is no going back. Leaving prematurely makes me susceptible to being sucked back into a limbo thing, where I’m unable to resist midnight booty calls and moments of weakness and the like, and the limbo thing may drag out way longer than actually staying an extra 2 months until you’re sure you must and want to leave. I understand this doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve got 2 friends who draw very hard lines at their decisions — when they decide to leave, they leave, and there is no going back. But I’m more emotional than that, and when my emotions are tugged and confused, I make dumb decisions. Better to let it die a bit first and leave when I’m ready, i.e. when I see that I have no other choice. Why leave when there’s still hope? Just cuz you’re mad? That’s retarded.

P.S. Shout-out: Hi Steve!