Holy cow. What an emotional wringer I was put through tonight. It’s so hard, I’m so sad, I can feel the weight loss coming again. In one hour I lost so much. But the loss came on the coattails of inspiration. So it was major lack of sleep, then anxiety over what I thought would be a pivotal exposure and potential bonding, then earthquake, then inspiration, then the absolute white-hot shock of death #1, then the immediate and dramatic 2nd death, then epiphany.

I don’t care that I appear insane. I haven’t slept and I can’t think straight. Or maybe this is the straightest I’ve thought in a long time. I know that the writing isn’t coming out as well and smoothly as I’d hoped, but I have nothing left in me right now. Nothing. This is the best I can do for now.

I am again facing an uphill battle. Written in my journal on 5-4-05: “It’s the moment-to-moment emptiness that’s hard. It’s the getting through the ‘now.’ It’s the lack of something to look forward to. It’s the loss of things anticipated. It’s the fear of the future – not the far future, but the immediate future. What will I do with myself the next 10 minutes? The next hour? Day? Week?”