The jury came back before lunch with 15 guilty Lewd Act Upon a Child Under Age 14 verdicts on our trial. It took me over 20 minutes to read the verdicts into the record. Because they also found true the allegations that there were multiple victims at the time the crimes were committed, the defendant is now facing a maximum sentence of fifteen 15-yrs-to-life sentences, or 225 years to life in state prison. In common language, the defendant needs to serve 225 years in state prison before he even becomes eligible for parole. He’s 37.

This is what working in a criminal courtroom and seeing these cases does to my humor. In a discussion about this case, I said to a bailiff earlier, “That’s pretty convenient for the defendant. He’s probably just sittin’ there one day, thinking, ‘I want more sex. I know! I’ll just make 2 daughters and get another goddaughter, and that way, when they get older, I can have sex with them!’ ” They warned us in training that criminal clerks develop a dark sense of humor to survive in that environment.

They were wrong.