Fri 25 Nov 2005
2 hour 42 minute conversation. I really didn’t expect him to pick up, but he did. He spewed some, I listened, he tried to induce his reasoning, I tried to explain mine, we sighed. I still found some of his viewpoints incomplete, and I tried to put in a broader perspective, but he made me see that I just have to accept that there are narrow things he’s hung up on that he’s angry about (i.e. “the sabotage”), and that’s just how he’s going to feel, despite the context surrounding what he’s angry about. I told him I was told about his blog, and he said that it was just some stuff written during times when he was angry at me, and that he never denied on his blog that he was a horrible boyfriend and a horrible person to me before we got back together again. He offered to let me read it, but I avidly turned down the offer. I said that if he’s angry enough to still be spewing about me even now, on a blog, then maybe it’s faster for his mental progress to just spew at me directly. He actually appreciated that. It was a very controlled spewing, to give him credit. I hope he got out everything that had been boiling under the surface, so that there’s no more residual resentment.
I told him that I think his level of anger is like my prior level of fear and anxiety in the relationship. It’s sharp, it’s consuming, and the only relief you get is when for an hour, for some reason (probably exhaustion), your brain malfunctions and you don’t pass on the neurotransmitters to feel that pain, and you’re so high and happy simply because the pain isn’t there. But then it comes back because it’s always right there. “You can’t stay like that this long, you just can’t, it’ll kill you,” I told him.
He went on a long spiel about how he feels, what he thinks, and how he “knows” I hate him and I want to see him fail and I would love to see him fall on his face and lose his business. I let him go on until he was finished, and then said, and I really hope this sank in, that what he says of himself, I can only accept as he says it, HOWEVER, what he says about me, does he realize it came from him? None of it came from me? That he’s projecting and speculating about what I may be thinking, and that’s the equivalent of him picking up a dagger and stabbing himself with it, while at the same time claiming I threw the dagger. He’s not hearing me when I say I don’t hate him; he’s not hearing me when I say I don’t want him to fail. The world would be missing out on a great eye doctor if his business folded, and why would I be calling him, offering myself as a target, if I just want to see him miserable? It’s so much easier just to say, “He’s STILL pissed? All right! HA!” And I admitted to him, that was my initial reaction. “Let him hate me.” But I had been angry before, and he had said to me, “Go ahead, let it all out, beat me up with it.” I’m not sure if that really helped me, but hell, at least I could do that for him and see if it works for him. He wouldn’t believe that I didn’t hate him and am not wishing he’d “fall flat on his face” until I told him his magical phrases:
“I wish you the best.”
“This phone call is the first step in what I hope will help you find happiness.”
He told me he’s psychotic. I hope he finds balance and happiness, soon. I’ve been to the misery he’s in, it sucks.
You have to stop doing this kind of stuff to yourself. I did this a lot with my ex and it got us both nowhere. I think that you just have to leave him and his blog alone for your own happiness and mental well being.
Did you see how I did not want to have anything to do with his blog?
All right, you were totally right about doing this awful thing to myself. I laid in bed totally without peace for the past, like, hour. I did better before I called him. Now all that’s swirling in my head is how unfair it is that if I had done what he’s done after the breakup (start an anti-cindy blog; email my friends to talk crap about me TO MY FRIENDS who aren’t even MUTUAL friends, they’re MY friends; call my family 3-4 times to talk to my parents and say crap about me to my own mother as recently as July this year, which I JUST found out about from him, when I had been protecting his image to my parents and I didn’t even tell her that he had an affair behind my back), shit would totally hit the fan. I had to give up friends in this deal, I’ve never gone to his friends to talk crap about him to make them choose sides post-breakup; I just totally gave them up so that they wouldn’t be stuck in the middle. I mean, the people who were his friends before they were mine. I am amazed at how immaturely he’s dealing with the breakup and how blind he is to that fact, so intent was he on generating hatred for me. I wish, so adamantly do I wish this, that he and his little Cindy-hating club could be boxed up karmically and just leave me alone. Stop talking about me, stop contacting me and my friends and my parents, stop reading my blog, just have nothing to do with me. This doesn’t mean I don’t want him happy. I hope in his happiness he can finally let go and I hope that his letting to in turn would cause his friends and family to let go. I don’t reach out and screw with them, they should leave it alone, too. It’s over. OVER. I understand and accept HIS anger to a degree, but the rest of it and his/their actions are GARBAGE.
I don’t know how you’re going to do it but the both of you have to move on with your lives. I guess if he wants to stay stuck in this rut that’s up to him. He’s not my friend so that doesn’t really concern me. I don’t like seeing you get wound up like this over this stuff that’s the past that keeps coming up for some reason. Every time you talk to him it’s like he puts you in reverse emotionally.
I HAD moved on! I thought I could make things a little easier for someone else, but instead of bringing him to where I am, he kicked me back to where he was. I wish he could open his heart and his mind and let things go, and move on and not look back.