2 hour 42 minute conversation. I really didn’t expect him to pick up, but he did. He spewed some, I listened, he tried to induce his reasoning, I tried to explain mine, we sighed. I still found some of his viewpoints incomplete, and I tried to put in a broader perspective, but he made me see that I just have to accept that there are narrow things he’s hung up on that he’s angry about (i.e. “the sabotage”), and that’s just how he’s going to feel, despite the context surrounding what he’s angry about. I told him I was told about his blog, and he said that it was just some stuff written during times when he was angry at me, and that he never denied on his blog that he was a horrible boyfriend and a horrible person to me before we got back together again. He offered to let me read it, but I avidly turned down the offer. I said that if he’s angry enough to still be spewing about me even now, on a blog, then maybe it’s faster for his mental progress to just spew at me directly. He actually appreciated that. It was a very controlled spewing, to give him credit. I hope he got out everything that had been boiling under the surface, so that there’s no more residual resentment.

I told him that I think his level of anger is like my prior level of fear and anxiety in the relationship. It’s sharp, it’s consuming, and the only relief you get is when for an hour, for some reason (probably exhaustion), your brain malfunctions and you don’t pass on the neurotransmitters to feel that pain, and you’re so high and happy simply because the pain isn’t there. But then it comes back because it’s always right there. “You can’t stay like that this long, you just can’t, it’ll kill you,” I told him.

He went on a long spiel about how he feels, what he thinks, and how he “knows” I hate him and I want to see him fail and I would love to see him fall on his face and lose his business. I let him go on until he was finished, and then said, and I really hope this sank in, that what he says of himself, I can only accept as he says it, HOWEVER, what he says about me, does he realize it came from him? None of it came from me? That he’s projecting and speculating about what I may be thinking, and that’s the equivalent of him picking up a dagger and stabbing himself with it, while at the same time claiming I threw the dagger. He’s not hearing me when I say I don’t hate him; he’s not hearing me when I say I don’t want him to fail. The world would be missing out on a great eye doctor if his business folded, and why would I be calling him, offering myself as a target, if I just want to see him miserable? It’s so much easier just to say, “He’s STILL pissed? All right! HA!” And I admitted to him, that was my initial reaction. “Let him hate me.” But I had been angry before, and he had said to me, “Go ahead, let it all out, beat me up with it.” I’m not sure if that really helped me, but hell, at least I could do that for him and see if it works for him. He wouldn’t believe that I didn’t hate him and am not wishing he’d “fall flat on his face” until I told him his magical phrases:

“I wish you the best.”
“This phone call is the first step in what I hope will help you find happiness.”

He told me he’s psychotic. I hope he finds balance and happiness, soon. I’ve been to the misery he’s in, it sucks.