If someone breaks up with their significant other because the signifiant other doesn’t want to get married, which one loves the other more than marriage? I started to comfort someone by saying that if you were left on Christmas because you didn’t propose, then maybe the person who left wants marriage more than they want you. But then, if the person who didn’t propose would rather let the other leave than get married, then isn’t this person’s priority heavier on marriage (as in, wanting NOT to get married) than on the significant other? I guess it comes down to:

Person A – Do I love you enough that I’d be with you even if it means we aren’t a governmentally-recognized official couple, in order to simply be with you?
Person B – Do I love you enough to become a governmentally-recognized official couple even though I don’t want to be, in order to be with you?

And then there’s stuff like this, which I absolutely believe:

Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has “issues” with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with you. Because he’s not really saying he doesn’t want to get married. He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married to you.

And yet, there’s this:

The question at hand is only this: Is he making lame transparent excuses about marriage to cover for the fact that he really doesn’t ever see a future with you? That’s the hard question. And women are smart. If they really got quiet and stopped listening to the excuses, or believing what they wanted to be true and what they hope he’s really saying, and just got all centered about it, I think women would always know. They’ll always know the difference between a man who truly has issues with marriage but is deeply committed to the relationship and them, and a guy who’s just being a weenie. …Before you enter into the sociopolitical-anthropological debate about marriage as an antiquated financial contract, blah, blah, blah, ask yourself some very serious questions. Questions that only you can answer in your most sane, clear-headed of moments: Do you feel truly loved? Do you feel he is deeply committed to you? Do you feel he has any doubts about wanting to build a life with you? If the answer to these questions are yes, yes, no, then let the debating begin, because he might have a point. But if you feel that he’s always holding something back, or that you’re spending a lot of energy trying to change yourself into something you think will make him happier, then divorce yourself from him and move on. Don’t let him make you feel stupid about wanting to feel loved.

I think the toughest thing about being the person whose boyfriend or girlfriend claims to be shell-shocked about marriages gone bad is, you know he/she was willing to try it with other people. Heck, maybe he/she DID try it with other people. Maybe he/she has already told you that in a previous or recent relationship, he/she had it in their head that they were going to get married, but then now, with you, they’re suddenly backing away from the marriage concept. They tell you, “It’s not YOU, I just don’t like MARRIAGE as an institution for what it’s become.” But you can’t help thinking, But you were willing to do it with someone else — just not me. So what’s wrong with me?

All the above block quotes are from the hugely successful bestseller He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. They’re from Chapter 7: “He’s Just Not That Into You If He Doesn’t Want to Marry You.” And I’d like to end on another quote from that chapter.

THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Liz
I have a lady friend whose boyfriend had just moved cross country to live with her, and we were all out having drinks. We got on the subject of marriage, and he went on a huge diatribe of how he didn’t believe in marriage. He grew up in an environment where there was crazy pressure to get married, and all he saw were unhappy, unhealthy marriages. My friend was surprised by this strong reaction, and fairly upset about it. She wasn’t an intensely marriage-minded gal, but she always thought it was going to be an option. She gave it a good deal of thought and realized that what she really wanted was just to be with this man, who had just moved his entire life to be with her. So she got used to the idea that she would never be married. A year later he proposed, because he realized he was in love with her and knew it was something that was important to her.