I’m not at liberty to tell you HOW, but I saw my first gay porn this morning. I was so excited! (Not in the sexual sense, in the 6-year-old-going-to-Disneyland sense.) I’d been wanting to watch a gay porno ever since I watched Grace (of “Will & Grace”) yell out while watching TV with Jack, “Gay porn is SO HOT!!!”

At first I was like, “This isn’t that different from straight porn.” And then the camera panned out beyond just the point of penetration. And now I know how gay porn is so hot. The men are FKING HOT!! We’re talking hard bodies, cut-up pectorals, biceps, triceps, deltoids, six-pack, gluteous maximus, hamstrings, quads. Caressing each other. These guys put WORK into their bodies. And their faces are better to look at than the men in straight porn. Definitely prettier eyebrows. The straight porn guys are pale, lanky, greasy, long-haired men that you wouldn’t touch in a bar with somebody else’s ten-foot pole.

All the good men ARE gay. Damn it.

Uh, with utter exception to Mr. W. He’s thus far denied being gay.