Mon 6 Mar 2006
I tend to not “fight” for a person’s romantic interest. I tend to feel that if someone’s focus on me can be swayed or confused by some random outside person or thing, then that’s an internal problem with “us” and a relationship probably would not work out anyway. If there is some competition, I back off and if the guy likes me, he’ll bridge that gap and come to me. If he doesn’t, then that inaction tells me everything I need to know. Someone playing hard to get with me to spark my interest would just end up not being gotten. If he plays the hold-out-to-call-her thing, I assume he’s not interested and I move on. If he takes even longer, by the time he calls I may have forgotten about him. People who have dated me know this about me.
Thinking about this tendency of mine on the drive to work this morning, I wondered how much of it has to do with my being hurt and miffed. Am I not fighting for someone because of principle, or am I not fighting because I’m hurt and have retracted into my Cancer shell?
On the other hand, I have fought for someone before, just in the spirit of competition (I can only think of one example), because the chick trying to take this guy’s attention was totally on my nerves, and the guy wasn’t interested in her. He kept trying to turn back to me and she wouldn’t let him, until he just finally turned his back to her and came to me. She was really pissed, and kicked my chair hard on her way to the bathroom. It was all really immature. In this situation, I was not emotionally vested, so I could not be hurt that there’s competition out there. It was almost a big joke. This was a long time ago and now, I can’t imagine fighting for someone for sport. It just seems so unnecessary and childish. If he wants her, he’ll go to her, and if he wants me, he should come to me. That’s it.
So I guess that’s what it is. When there’s something or someone competing for the attention of someone I’m emotionally attached to, I get hurt, curl up, back off, and hope and wish that he’d come to me. If he doesn’t for a long enough period of time, I am tortured and start to deteriorate. And then I prepare myself to walk. I may put out one last effort to communicate my feelings to him, but if he’s unresponsive to that, then it’s pretty much over.
I don’t know if that’s healthy or not.
This entry came in timely. I tend to believe, if someone is interested in you, h/she will come to you. If not, that means h/she is just not that interested. If h/she isn’t really into you, no matter how hard you fight, in the end, it’s still not going to work out. With this said, it is certainly NOT unhealthy to back off. There’s no point hanging on something with no fruitful outcome.
Is there no part of you that wonders whether you’re *supposed* to fight for it because maybe the other person thinks that *your* lack of fighting means *you* don’t care enough?
I thought about this too…but then again, I didn’t mean to back off immediately. Like you said before, you put an effort before pulling away totally.That’s what I consider as my role in “fighting” for it. If I’m interested in the person, he’ll know. But that’s so much I could “fight” for and he has to do something to show his interest too. It won’t work from just one side. Moreover, what is there exactly for me to “fight”?! He just needs to come to me if he wants, and if he isn’t interested, do you think “fighting” will make him come?
I guess in my scenario, it’s not about a guy who has zero interest, it’s about whether he likes you enough that the competition wouldn’t deter him.
I see it the same way. If he really likes you enough, he’ll really zero in the effort regardless.
the way that i see things, if the person is interested in you and you are interested in the person, it shouldn’t feel like effort to try to win them over. your actions are inspired because you want to get to know them better, not because you feel like you have to fight for it.
suppose i am in a situation where i like jessica alba. let’s also suppose that bobo likes jessica alba. the way i see it is that if i know that bobo likes jessica alba and jess (as i affectionately call her) knows that i like her, i feel that whatever effort i put into getting to know jess better is effort that i wanted to put into getting to know her ANYWAY. i would not try to one up bobo and try to impress jess any differently than how i would pursue any other girl because if i am showering jess with gifts or something, she’ll think that this is the way that things are if she and i were together.
if after jess and i are actually together (as it inevitably would be in my head) then she would have every right to leave me if i did not continue to behave the same way that i did when i was wooing her. so if fighting for that other person means doing things that are not consistent with your normal behavior, then i think that’s a bad thing.
now, would i try to get to know jess more aggressively if i knew that bobo was around? i guess that really depends now on how i feel about it. i really dislike the idea of MY jess going out with bobo, even if she isn’t MY jess…yet. (don’t worry, she’ll be mine, oh yes, she will be mine…) so if it bothers me that jess won’t give us an honest chance and she won’t give me that courtesy, it may be enough to deter me from persuing her. it really depends on whether or not i feel like i’m getting enough out of our interactions.
what i really hate is when women will do or think things because they want to see how much their man cares about them. that really bothers me. it really bothers me that they have to find artificial means to validate their feelings. i think that when it comes down to this, it shows that there isn’t enough communication and expression of feelings in the relationship which is indicative of a greater problem.
it really should be as easy as, “hey, i like you. let’s hang out.”
What if you and Jess are now together and Bobo keeps pursuing her and she’s talking to him? Or if she decides that she’s going to spend all her spare time knitting (her new hobby) instead of hanging out with you?
i have strong opinions about this. if jess and i are together (as it was inevitably supposed to be) and she knows that bobo is still interested in her and continues to pursue her, she needs to make sure that she puts limits on their relationship.
she needs to make it clear to him that nothing more than a platonic relationship will contintue. she also needs to make sure that i am ok with whatever relationship they share. if i am not ok with it, then jess and i need to talk about it and come to some kind of resolution about it. maybe i am being unreasonable and i need to see that. maybe i am just inherently unreasonable and she needs to accept that and either understand that i cannot change and accomodate me or jess needs to make a stand, tell me i’m being unreasonable and to get over myself. if i can’t get over myself this is a fundamental problem with the relationship. it needs to be recognized as such and dealt with accordingly (either i need to learn to deal with it, she needs to change her behavior, or we realize that this is something neither of us are willing to bend about and either acknowledge that and continue fighting about it forever knowing that we will never reach a resolution, OR just break up.)
if she decides that she really loves knitting and she’s going to spend all her time knitting instead of spending time with me, i would tell her that i am trying to be supportive of her new hobby, but i also miss some of the time that we spent together. i would suggest that we spend time together and do things outside of knitting, but also make time for her knitting needs. if knitting totally consumes her and she wants to do nothing but knit, i need to find ways to deal with that. maybe i would enjoy knitting with her. maybe she would knit little kinky outfits that she can try on and take off for me. but if knitting is something that she wants to do just by herself and she wants to do it all the time, i think that we need to talk about it because, let’s face it, jessica alba is too hot to just knit all day. we need to do things together, because that’s what people do in relationships. they relate to each other.
I knew I liked you for a reason.
it’s because i’m hawt like wasabi, huh?
Japanese wasabi hotness comes on strong but fades fast. Usually when you blow through your mouth, its hotness and efficacy disappears instantly.
Chinese chili, on the other hand, sneaks up on you. It’s tasty which makes you want more and more, but it’s oil-based and by the time you realize it, you’re burning and sweating but now you can’t stop eating it, and even when you’re done, the hotness remains in your mouth, in your stomach and on your mind for hours.
So in sum, wasabe hits you Wham! Bam! You blow it, it’s spent. Chinese chili, it slides into you and tantalizes all your senses and you get increased body temperature, affects you in an full-body way, and leaves you longing for more. 😉
chinese chili gives you runs.
japanese wasabi is hawt with no ill side effects.
I think we like to think and feel as if we’re the most important in our romantic interest’s life, not as in constant affirmation, but in obvious acknowledgements. When someone throws interference and his/her focus is taken off of you.. it’s taken off because that person is choosing to allow it to be taken off. I’m a people watcher and I see how easy some people allow for distraction, they appear to be in a focused conversation until *that* interference.. whether it’s a phone call or someone walking by or a fleeting thought about someone else.. whatever it is, it’s a choice.
I like to watch those couples that seem so focused and *in* to each other, that there is no question as to where their loyalties lie.
They don’t even have to be standing next to each other…
Wilco – yeah, well, all right. For those weak of mind and body, Chinese chili can be a bit intense. Those people should stick to wasabe.
Jordan – you’re right. But I only know 1 couple like that, so solid that I have never seen even a glimmer of any potential interference. They’ve been married a few years now, and they’re still like that, as tho they were on their honeymoon stage and they only have eyes for each other. (Sandy & Rich, see, I DO talk about you.)
Right… I don’t see too many either. And the ones I have seen, could be like that only in public. I had a guy friend that told me his girlfriend acted a lot differently in public .. showered him with affection in front of other people but when they were alone he didn’t exist. Weird.
Every relationship has issues… it just makes it all the harder when you feel as if you have to compete.
I had a relationship once where I didn’t have to compete with an ex… it was his daughter. Now that was weird.
i like wilco’s comments…he is right on…but what he (and everyone else doesn’t know) is that your ‘bobo’ will never, never take your place, your ‘bobo’ can’t…your ‘bobo’ is only a wrinkle that cannot be ironed out at this time, so get use to wrinkles, eventually they do ‘iron’ out!!
🙂
thanks for the kind words…miracles really do happen, when you least expect it!