Yesterday after work, I stopped by home, ate a big bowl of my mom’s homemade stir-fried rice noodles while watching a couple episodes of “Friends” on satellite TV, vacuumed during the commercials. Then I washed my face, got changed for jujitsu, and took off.

Jujitsu was not overcrowded for that class for once. Instead of the regular 30 or so students, we only had 15, so there was room on the mat to do stuff. A student jokingly asked me whether a red mark on my neck was a hickey. Of course it wasn’t, but now it drew some attention. A few minutes later, the young instructor pointed out a hickey on the accuser’s neck and said, “What’s THIS? And you’re making fun of Cindy!” She laughed and said, “Oh, I forgot about that! Damn.” We finished off the class with some free sparring, which I’ve always enjoyed. I got some good pointers from another student and got quite a few hits in against my opponents.

After we (Vanessa and I) got home, I changed the cat litter and started laundry. Then we took a shower (no, not together), got comfy and turned the big screen on the KABC show “What About Brian” at 10pm at college roommie Diana’s recommendation. I was disappointed to see the actor who played “Kevin” (I think that’s the character’s name) on “7th Heaven” on that show instead of a cute guy that Diana promised me. I hope that’s not who she was referring to. We then changed the channel to the WE! network and watched “Honey, We’re Killing the Kids,” which is a reality-based show where a nutritionist evaluates a household’s lifestyle and puts the data into a computerized program which shows the parents simulated time-lapse photography of the kids from their present age to age 40 if they continue living as they do. In 3 weeks, the family makes lifetyle, diet and exercise changes and they are re-evaluated and the program does the sequence of photos again to see how the kids would be different in the future if they keep up with the improvements. This we watched with the lights out and a bunch of lit votive candles in colored glass cups that I placed on the TV and around the living room. We also lit aromatherapy scented candles and gels heated over a tea light. The place was very girl-ized and very pretty. Then we called it a night and I took the clothes out of the dryer and brought them upstairs to fold and put away while watching the 11:30p episode of “Friends.” I fell asleep with the TV on and a sugared vanilla scented candle lit that Grace gave me some birthdays ago, and when I woke up this morning, the wax had melted and resolidified on my dresser. I plucked the wax off and resolved to burn it in a half-empty tealight cup or something so it doesn’t go to waste.

I methodically kept my brain devoid of analytical thought in my productive evening. I probably appear manic, but short of taking psychotropic drugs that dull my affect so that I just don’t care anymore, controlling the roots of the thoughts is all I can do. I suppose I could can the thought ability as well, but I don’t want to dope myself up. I don’t want to cushion myself with chemicals to keep from feeling the lows because I won’t feel the highs, either. I wonder how long I need to keep this up before it’s adopted and I’ve rewired myself back to normalcy, or if it’s even possible to recover from this miswiring. The problem with caring is that you’re gonna feel so you’re gonna hurt. The problem with not caring is that you don’t feel anything and you detach from everyone. I wish I could figure out how to keep the highs but cushion myself against the lows.

Today I felt so good at not feeling depressed that I probably went a little too high and got delirious. But just for a brief moment. And then I slowly sank back down a bit. I’m probably somewhere in the middle, or just a bit below the middle right now. Maybe I am manic-depressive. I’m just a wildly swinging person trying to figure out how to get logic to dictate my emotions, and hoping that by controlling the stimuli coming in, that the exposed oversensitive nerves will heal over and give normal levels of sensation again.