I had an amazing, long and therapeutic conversation last nite with Vanessa’s boyfriend over dinner (the three of us went to Bobby McGee’s in Brea), and the best thing I’m taking away from that conversation is that as much as I feel that I’m emotionally tangled right now, I need to give myself a break because traumatic things have lasting effects and it really wasn’t that long ago, and I am progressing in my recovery very nicely. And that I should not let “should” be my guideline. Just because I or anyone else feels I “should” be over certain things by now or “should not” let other things bother me, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the fact that I am still not over certain things, other things are residual effects of past trauma, and certain things will still bother me. And all that’s okay, it’s not a failure. Also, that I’m a good person because I know “the value of a soul.” I didn’t sell out for a title. I have looked at something and said, “Gee, that’s a really nice thing, and I’d really like to have it, but not for the price of my self-respect and my soul. So I am walking away.” The way her boyfriend put it, having a nice car, security, money, material things provided for you may be nice, but at what price? Once you have agreed to an unkosher bargain, no amount of jewelry, money, possessions can ever fill the void that bartering your self-worth away will create. And one day, everyone who shortcuts it by selling out will realize they are miserable and maybe be enlightened enough to figure out why. I, on the other hand, trusted my gut and sidestepped the brokerage. If a particular material thing is that desirable to me, I will earn it myself and acquire it the right way. Altho all 3 of us were a bit stressed going into dinner, we all walked out feeling much better emotionally.