I got a most amazing letter in the mail yesterday from a “Miss Elizabeth.” The envelope contains a long computer-generated letter (single-spaced, longer than legal-size length, front and back, with lots of bold-faced type scattered over the sheet); a pink Post-It sized paper with the pre-printed header of “A personal note from Miss Elizabeth” except that instead of being a personal note, the note was computer-printed in a different color ink in a font that looks like handwriting; a 1/3 page flyer entitled “Miss Elizabeth’s $1,000.00 Challenge!” on which she challenges any psychic to “match their skills against” her own and “the first psychic who can reveal powers that stronger, faster, more accurate or effective in any manner than Miss Elizabeth will receive $1,000.00 on the spot” and a statement that all five $1K challenges she designated to each corner of the globe remain unclaimed; an actual contract she claims is legally binding printed on a little slip of paper that says her prophesies and miracles will come true; and a return envelope (not self-stamped).

In her letter, Miss Elizabeth apparently employs the scare tactic. It opens with “You’re in serious trouble Cindy, Tuesday night at 9:30 I heard your desperate scream for help.” I thought back to Tuesday. I was irritated at work, complained to my friends while at the grocery store after work, came home, made myself soup because I was too late for jujitsu, and fell asleep in front of the TV at oh, about 8:45p. So if I cried for help, it must’ve been in a nightmare that I don’t recall having. Miss Elizabeth then gets more specific with what she meant by my scream for help. “I felt your loneliness, heartache, despair and betrayal.” Oh, that’s so two years ago. “Most of all I felt your worry and frustration.” Can you come up with any other negative adjectives and hope that you’ll hit upon ONE coincidentally that a stranger may be feeling? Let’s play the odds. Unfortunately for her, I was feeling none of these things. My life’s actually going along peacefully, and I’m happily content. “Then the Archangel Michael grabbed me and said out loud, ‘Cindy [my last name] needs a miracle!‘ ”

Another paragraph: “It’s no wonder all the others failed you so miserably.” What others? “Your case is serious business. One of the more difficult I’ve come across lately. I’m surprised it took this long for you to get to me. I’m the savior of lost causes.” Why, I never! Did she just call me a lost cause?!

“Given my stature and the tremendous demand for my miraculous intervention, I accept new clients on only the rarest of occasions and then only by the strongest of referrals. It is rare for even I to receive a vision of Archangel Michael requesting intervention on one’s behalf. As such, you come to me with the highest possible reference, Cindy.” I wonder how many other people the Archangel Michael is supposely intervening on behalf of according to Miss Elizabeth’s solicitations. Let’s see…the postage stamp on the envelope is labeled “Presorted First-Class,” so doesn’t that mean it’s a bulk mailing? If Archangel Michael were a regular human in the United States, he’d probably sue for her wrongful and unauthorized use of his name for her personal gain.

Scare tactic again: “I’ve done some home work so I know what we’re up against, Cindy.” Oh, we’re a team now! “Many negative energies are impacting you. Years of minor jinxes, curses, negative thought forms and even a spell are weighing on you. None are tremendously powerful alone but together they are bothersome and the cause of your current struggles.” I’m currently struggling? “Of greater concern is a dark spot I see in your aura. This appears to be a malicious entity that is growing in power. If not dealt with, this will begin to cause you pain and heartache in approximately six weeks.” AUGH! Get it off! Get it offfff! *stomp stomp*

Here is where divine intervention, if any, steps in to tell me she’s a fraud and to not buy into this: “I know that your heart is heavy concerning finances. Take comfort in the fact that I have seen tremendous wealth miraculously coming your way. During prayer, I uncovered one wealth miracle after another for you, Cindy. I have seen you first awestruck by your amazing instant prosperity. Then I have seen you celebrating. Finally I have seen you happy and content with the absolute peace of mind that unlimited resources provides you.”
“The wealth I speak of comes from such surprising places that you are shocked. However, I am absolutely, positively certain about what I have witnessed for you. This prosperity immediately changes your life. The wealth miracles begin within 72 hours of our working together. They grow in size on a daily basis until your riches are of biblical porportion.” If anyone knows me, they know that 1) my cross in this life is not financial. It is emotional. I don’t have money issues. 2) If anything, tremendous wealth turns me off in others, and scares me if it’s my own. Money has a way of changing people around you and changing your character if you’re not strong enough. Money brings problems. Money brings drama, and I definitely don’t want more drama.

Another place in the letter says “I am a world famous miracle worker of all affairs of the heart. My secrets create instant love miracles. I reunite lovers, absolutely stop divorces and return lost loves forever. 36 hours and anyone you desire will be faithfully devoted to you for life. No matter how severe your broken heart, I will instantly solve your every need.” You know how terrifying this is to me? Imagine if someone had hurt me so badly, nearly killed me in a relationship, and I crawled through hell and back finally with barely enough strength to drag my bloodied tattered carcass out of a bad situation, to have gone through intensive therapy and cocooning for emotional and psychological recovery, and just because this jerk found some psychic, they can manipulate me to go back to that crap hell-hole? No one should have that power. No one. And that includes me. We are all here on our personal journeys, no one is better than another, we all learn and we all deal. There’s not a person who’s “meant” to be someone else’s love slave and to give up their own personal and spiritual journey to be someone else’s pet, especially when that someone else was dumb enough to mess up the relationship and lose the person to begin with.

So anyway, Miss Elizabeth wants to offer me this “perfect life,” “perfect” as defined by a flawed human. “Now there is only one thing you must do in order to live this perfect life. You must answer this letter, today. Replying to this letter is the most important thing you will ever be asked to do. Immediately upon receiving your reply, I will begin my work to destroying evil and filling your life with answered prayers, fulfilled wishes, love and wealth.” Okay, so she’s hit upon everything an average person could possibly be unhappy about: despair, loneliness, betrayal, money problems, love problems, curses. Oh yeah. She’s really “done her homework” on me.

I’m supposed to return the bottom of the form with a $25 fee. She invites me to wish for anything to test her out, claims that she won’t fail, no matter how outlandish the wish. It’ll come true in 36 hours pursuant to her “contractual guarantee”. So let’s see. If I wish I’d win millions in the state lotto and it doesn’t come true, I’ll go to her and complain, and she’ll give me the maximum of my investment back. $25. So she loses $25 on me, but maybe 100 other people roll their eyes at not having won the lotto either, chalks it up to “I knew it was too good to be true, it was an outlandish wish anyway,” and don’t bother to bug her about her “contractual guarantee.” She gets to keep $2500. It’s not like she’s asking for $1000 that people would actually bother to claim when their “miracles” don’t happen. People would let $25 go, feeling stupid for falling for it to begin with and they wouldn’t even admit to anyone they lost $25 to a mail order psychic. Plus, the other things she says she’ll do, cleanse the aura, rid you of curses, give you a sacred prayer, how do you verify any of those things?

I think the miracle of the receipt of this solicitation is that it made me evaluate my life and made me realize that I’ve got it good right now. So thanks for that, Miss E.