Last night, Dwaine called me to enlist my help in composing an e-vite for his upcoming 30th bday shabang.

Dwaine: I’m also thinking of reserving the poolhouse from my association so it can be a joint house party pool party, since I’m sure it’s gonna be hot that day, too.
Me: Aw man, you’re gonna make me lose weight by your birthday?!
Dwaine: You look fine!
Me: That’s cuz you haven’t seen me naked!
Dwaine: …
[huge long pause, during which I thought “Uh-oh, I’ve grossed him out.” I’m expecting some response about TMI since we practically grew up together so I guess it is kinda gross, but I didn’t mean it that way; it’s usually my retort when people say I look fine that they only THINK I look fine because they don’t know how hideous the blobs of fat really are cloaked within dark fabrics.]
Dwaine: … I just had this bottleneck effect happen to me! All these comments came up in my head and they were all going, “Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!” and I didn’t know which one to say cuz there were so many good ones! I’m gonna confer with all the comments and voices in my head and I’ll get back to you in one h0ur with a good response, like “This is the comeback we’ve decided on in response to your comment one hour earlier.”

I never heard from him again.