I was waiting for the laundry to churn, and of course I was watching TV as this is happening, and TV rarely fails to lull me to sleep. My last load was removed from the dryer at 11:30 p.m., but I couldn’t bring myself to lug the hamper upstairs to fold and put away clothes; I only got as far as the chenille La-Z-Boy recliner in the living room. I woke up sideways on the recliner at 3am and dragged myself with now-cold clothes into my bedroom to the soundtrack of some infomercial about land auctions. I almost called the auction info line, but stopped myself by reminding myself that there’s a reason these things play on TV at 3am — the head is heavy, the will is low and the common sense is null. I’ve bought many a useless item and joined some shameful programs while being awake in the wee hours of the morning. I almost even joined the Navy once. (Why does the Navy advertise at this time? Are they that short on low-judgment insomniacs? Or maybe being awake at this hour somehow makes you an ideal armed forces candidate, i.e. it shows you have high stamina and unusual strength and wisdom. Yeah.)

So of course I’d fallen asleep with my contacts and makeup on, and now that I’ve made it upstairs, I brushed my teeth, took out my eyeballs and washed off my face, then put away laundry, putting aside clothes I would bring with me to Vegas. And now I’m wide awake.

“How’d you sleep?”
“Like a donut.”
“How does a donut sleep?”
“With a hole in the middle.”

Now that I’m in bed, I’m gonna try to go back to sleep. Experience tells me that because it’s past 4am, I’m gonna be in the middle of some REM cycle and will not hear my alarm at 7a. Someone call my house and wake me up if you read this in the morning!! (You like how this post has a hole in the middle?)