I was sending on a feel-good holiday perspective email, and as I’m going through my email addy book selecting recipients, I decided to simultaneously do some housecleaning. I deleted the emails of people in my past who have not proven to be worth the “friend” or even “acquaintance” label; I deleted old friends who have chosen to abandon me when I parted ways with people who were bad for me; I deleted friends-of-friends who were involved in past email strings but whom I wouldn’t email on my own; I deleted my friends’ exes and my own exes. (Well, except for the ex who got me the car hookup; we’re cool.) What I could not bring myself to delete, were all of Grace’s email addresses. I think of her daily when I’m at my desk and I see the photo of her arm around me at her wedding shower, and when I scroll through my email address book and see the various places where her addresses, sorted alphabetically, pop up. More than a few times I’d wanted to double-click her email to include her on the forward list of something I’d expect her to enjoy. I’ve never done it, because I’m scared to see the mail get returned back to me with something about an unknown recipient, or worse, if the address had “permanent fatal errors.” I think it was a permanent fatal error that she’s no longer here. But anyway, life and death have their own rhymes and reasons.

I thought about her husband, Justin, on what would’ve been her 31st birthday October 21st, and my heart went out to him as I know that somewhere in the cold state of New York, a loving, amazing man is going to be hit with the anniversaries of the birth of his wife, of her death, of the date he proposed, of Christmas, of New Year’s, and of Valentine’s Day, all within 4 months. I also think of Grace’s parents in Diamond Bar, five houses up the street from my parents, and of Grace’s younger sister, who will be celebrating the holidays soon, with one less girl to shop for.

I’d felt a little better, more at peace, after my little email cleaning. Life’s too short to waste on losers. Please be careful out there, you guys.