My previous post, Barbershop Duet, touched on a chord with Bat because he saw my question to Mr. W asking whether he’d still be attracted to me if I shaved my head as one of those girlie “trap” questions. His girlfriend, Flat Coke & Flies, reveals in the comment section of that post that Bat refuses to answer questions that he perceives to be “trap” questions that lead to fights. Her perspective is that sometimes it’s just a hypothetical question. Here’s my take on questions like that.

Bat, I hear you, I understand what you’re saying, but see, here’s the difference. When I ask a question like that, it’s just a random quirky question in which the answer doesn’t matter. The question itself is a joke. The thought of me with a shaved head is stupid and ridiculous, and it (hopefully) wouldn’t happen. It’s like when I asked, “If I grew a third breast in the middle of my chest, would you see me as a freak or as a gifted woman?” (I don’t even remember Mr. W’s answer. He may not have answered, he was too busy fantasizing.) He knows it really doesn’t matter HOW he answers the question.

I don’t really ask what I call “girl questions,” which I define as a question in which there is one “right” answer and one “wrong” answer and the “wrong” answer would piss us off and create a fight even tho the question itself doesn’t matter to begin with, i.e. it has no consequence to the relationship. If there’s a possible answer to a question that would make me upset, I wouldn’t ask it. If I ask something, then I’ve already considered the possible answers and would be okay with any answer. For example, I’m not gonna ask “Does this dress make me look fat?” if I would be devastated if he said “Yes.” But if I need a real answer because I’m on the fence about a dress before I spend money on it, and he tells me “Yeah, it does make your ass look wide,” I WANT to know that so I would put the dress back.

So to summarize, questions that are not important to the relationship but have an acceptable and UNacceptable answer, I don’t ask. It’s asking for trouble, it’s like testing your man when your man has a 50% chance of failing the test. If I ask something, it’s because all of the answers are acceptable. (This is NOT the same as asking a question for which you hope for a “right” answer, that IS important to the relationship, such as “Do you think we can afford to have another child right now?” and “Will you marry me?”.)

I now need to qualify the girl questions. Girl questions are asked not because girls want to pick a fight, because as much as it’s convenient for guys to assume we LIKE fighting, that’s simply not the case. Girls ask girl questions because they figure it’s such a “gimme” to the “right” answer that it’d make them feel good. They want to hear, “No, you’re not fat.” “Of course I love you.” “Of course you’re the hottest lay I’ve ever had in my life.” This is a big billboard that the girl needs more positive reinforcement in the relationship, i.e. they need something from YOU, the man, to make them feel good because they’re not feeling so great right now for whatever reason.

In the last relationship, I didn’t ask girl questions because I couldn’t bear the impact of a “wrong” answer, so I just avoided them altogether. In my current relationship, I don’t ask girl questions because I don’t question where Mr. W’s head is in this relationship, so I don’t need the reassurance that girl questions are designed to give.

I can tell, too, that Mr. W used to get girl questions from other people, cuz his old response was just like what Flat Coke says Bat’s response is. “I’m not going to answer a hypothetical that’s never going to happen. I refuse to participate in this question.” Now he answers cuz he knows it’s okay, I’m just being goofy, and it’s not going to lead to a fight. And that’s as much to his credit for making me feel secure, as it is to me for not habitually asking girl questions.

** Addendum: I just went back and read the previous post. I figured it went without saying, but then realized it doesn’t go without saying because not everyone who may come across my blog knows me. The conversation described was entirely playful. The post is written tongue-in-cheek. If you had been in the room with us, you would’ve heard the silliness in my tone, and heard us laugh in between his answers.

** Addendum #2: Here is a related post about picking your battles, and about “girl questions”‘ role in that.