Donning the doofus hat, I dug through the other contents of the jewelry package yesterday and pulled out a return form with clear printed instructions on how, where, what to return. So I filled out the return form, printed a copy of my email to them, and drove the contents to be returned to the post office after work. Unfortunately, they were closed, so now all that stuff is sitting in my car. I’ll try again later today. Their customer service nicely sent this response to me via email past midnight, instead of the email that *I* would’ve written to someone like me, which would’ve read, “READ the package inserts, ya moron!”:

Ms [my last name],

We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience. Please send the ring back to us at the address listed on the return form and we will gladly replace or refund it. Please be sure to notate that the ring was defective so that we reimburse you for your shipping costs.

Regards,

Customer Service

By the way, I think I got over my Alexandrite bug. I was talking to James yesterday (who’d gotten back from Japan this week), and he said, “So your simulated Alexandrite is totally a better quality stone than the genuine one. And genuine Alexandrite costs, like, thousands more. So do you really want a genuine one?” And then it clicked in my head. Why do I want a genuine one? It costs a ton and it sucks!!

Okay, next gemstone: tanzanite!!