Fri 7 Sep 2007
My Mother’s Daughter
Posted by cindy under Health & Body , Mental States , Work Crap at 10:04 pm[3] Comments
Today is day 3 since the scary phone call from my doctor’s office. I’m pretty much back to normal, which is a good thing because they pulled me out for my courtroom to handle a (blech!) Family Law courtroom where the supervisors failed to arrange for a relief clerk for the regular clerk’s vacation. The cases were horrible. Restraining orders against former lovers, paternity tests establishing biological parenthood between a divorcing woman and her affair guy, anger, tears, lies, accusations. Criminal Law courtrooms are so much more peaceful.
My mother, however, is just wigging out more and more. The day after finding out, she emailed me all day asking how I am and telling me not to worry. Then that night, she freaked out cuz she called my cell and I didn’t get it and didn’t call her back. She called me at home early this morning before work, upset that I “went missing” the night before, and claiming also that her mother “went missing” as she didn’t return my mom’s calls either. I told her to stop worrying about nothing. And then 45 minutes ago, my house phone ringing woke me up from my TV nap and I tried to ignore it, but on the 16th ring I finally skulked upstairs and picked it up. My mom was in a flurry because she had apparently found my grandmother, told her about my current health “crisis”, and they both agree that October 1 is too far away and they want to know what’s going on sooner than that, so they want to pay for a private doctor to get the procedure done earlier before my appointment. I told her I wasn’t going to go thru a colposcopy/biopsy twice and my appointment is only 3 weeks away, I’m not going to pay extra money for curiosity, and a week’s difference isn’t going to make the difference between life and death. (She also wanted to know whether the lab results are posted online yet, I told her they’re not, and she told me to call my medical provider and see if they could arrange for a printout that I could go pick up myself. I told her they’re not going to do that.) She finally relented, sounding defeated. I told her if she’s going to worry like this I’m not telling her about this stuff next time. She said quickly, “You can’t do that!”
Now I feel worse. The fact that my mom’s now getting clingier is cramping my lifestyle because I don’t want to explain where I am at all hours of the day and night, and I already feel guilty enough about not wanting to. On top of that knowing that she’s feeling worried and helpless, and that she hadn’t slept well the past few nights and was up imagining all sorts of horrid scenarios and panicking about her only child, I’m feeling some of the worry vicariously and I don’t need to stress over something I have no control over. This worry at this time is totally unproductive and pointless, because assuming the worst case scenario and I have terminal cervical cancer or something, I’m gonna feel pretty crappy upon finding that out. And I will feel crappy at that future time no matter WHAT I feel like right now, so I may as well enjoy the 3 weeks of activities I have until the colposcopy. I have a week in Hawaii for Wilco’s wedding at the end of the month, I have a coworker’s house party right after that, and I have the Marine Corps 5K obstacle course run a few days after the colposcopy (presumably before I get lab results back for any biopsy). And I have a funeral to attend tomorrow, for gosh sakes. Heh.
All through childhood, I stood in confusion and upset watching my mom’s strong emotional reactions to things, teaching me by sight that I’m SUPPOSED to freak out when my dad’s a little late, when my dad doesn’t call, when some small family gossip trickles through the grapevines, when there’s a hair on the ground, when I don’t flip down the visor to shield the sun from my mom’s eyes when she’s driving, when my dad makes my mom the butt of some goofy joke. All through adolescence I rolled my eyes in irritation when watching my mom overreact at what I thought were things she should’ve just chilled at, and hoped that I wouldn’t turn out like her. And then as time wore on, she did chill. She opened her mind, she acquired an incredible tolerance for things that went beyond my ability to follow suit but envied. But when it comes to her baby, it appears she’s still reactive despite her attempts to not be overbearing.
It’ll all be nothing soon.
Take your mother’s worry and cherish it. It is a wonderful sign of how much she cares for you. I think it is awesome how much she cares and wants to rush a procedure by 2 weeks even though it is unnecessary. We never know when we wont have that nagging, annoying wonderful person to bother us.
I get the same reaction/treatment from my mother. If I don’t “check in” after so many days she gets worried and freaks out. She would be the same way about the doctor. Altho what I emailed you about, she never knew. I have learned to not tell her EVERYTHING, and rely on other friends who DON’T worry & freak out. If it’s something serious in the end I would tell her but no need for her to lose sleep over me. At least you know you’re loved…that’s a great feeling.
TBG – I don’t doubt her love for me, I just should’ve kept this from her, to save her from this needless worry, unless and until I had to tell her after a diagnosis. Like Flat Coke said.
Flat Coke – I do usually screen what I tell her, but I didn’t think this one through. It’s the first time I’ve ever had an abnormal test for anything before. In retrospect, I totally should’ve taken care of it myself first and then if it’s nothing, I could’ve saved her the month of grief, and if it’s something, I can tell her then. Like what I was saying about this being pointless worry if what’s gonna happen is gonna happen anyway, and she can worry then.