Saturday was my old bailiff’s wedding. He and his new bride are so cute together, as they have always been. They were grinning from ear to ear and glowed all over the place. Neither looked stressed, there were no tears, and they seemed to genuinely enjoy their evening.

At the wedding reception, the MC pointed out the beautiful designer floral centerpieces over each table, and asked who would like a centerpiece to take home. A lot of people enthusiastically raised their hands. The MC said the way to resolve this, is to play a little game.
“First, we need one person from each table to donate a dollar.” Nobody was moving at our table, so I asked Mr. W to take out a dollar from the cash he was holding for me for the night. “Okay, now everybody who’s donating the dollar, stand up.” I stood, very uncomfortably. I’ve learned to not trust wedding games. “There’s just a little something you have to do,” he continued. “When the music starts, pass the dollar bill to your right. And the person who gets it needs to keep passing it to the right until the music stops.” The music started and the dollar bill went ’round and ’round. And stopped with the man sitting on my right, who is a bailiff in the building here with his girlfriend.
“Now, everyone who is left holding the dollar bill, stand up,” the MC said. The bailiff stood, also uncomfortably. “There’s just a little something you have to do,” the MC stated. “Turn to the person on your left, and get very, very close.” The dollar bill was dropped in front of me as the bailiff said, “Uh…YOU better do this one, Cindy.” Mr. W is the person to my left, so I took over the duty, which was a good thing, cuz the MC continued, “Now look that person to your left straight in the eyes, and I don’t care who it is, you tell him or her, ‘I LOVE YOU.’ ” I stared Mr. W in the eyeballs and said indignantly, “I LOVE YOU.” Thinking this is over, the dollar-holders were delighted they won the centerpiece. But no.
“The music is going to play again, and this time, I want you to pass the dollar bill to your LEFT.” ‘Round and ’round the bill went again, and this time, it stopped at Mr. W. He was told to stand up, and get very, very close to the person on HIS left, who happens to be my judge. Uh-oh. “Now, the person standing up, there’s just one little thing you have to do. Lean down to the person on your left, and I don’t care who it is, whether it’s a man or a woman, a stranger or a friend, but you KISS that person on the cheek! Go! Right now!” Mr. W looked around the table and commanded, “NOBODY TAKE ANY CAMERAS OUT.” And he leaned down, and kissed my judge’s upturned waiting cheek. That was one of the more bizarre moments in, uh, everyone’s life, I’d think. Everyone shrieked in delight and some mixed horror.
But it still wasn’t over. “Pass the bill to the LEFT again!” the MC said in ominous pleasure as the music blasted. He let it go extra long this time, and it stopped with my judge. “The people holding the bill? YOU…are the WINNERS!” the MC announced. Cheers went up around the room. “But there’s just one little thing you have to do,” the MC said in a voice of dread, and everyone laughed. “Pull your chair out a little bit, away from the table. Good. Now, winners, stand up on the chairs.” My judge gingerly, after his few glasses of wine, got up on the chair, along with everyone else who are also apparently the “winners.” “Turn around, and turn your backs to each of your tables.” What was the MC having them do? Guests looked around at the chair-standing people curiously. “Now, lean forward slightly, with your backs still to your tables. That’s it. Good. Now, shake your tooshies back and forth and say, ‘Nyanny nyanny nyah nyah!’ ” Everyone laughed as my dark-suited judge, along with everyone else on chairs, did the ha-ha dance at us “losers” for being the “winners”. “Congratulations! You people on the chairs have won…the DOLLAR BILL!” the MC yelled and everyone on the chairs froze as the seated crowd laughed and jeered. “The REAL winners of the centerpieces are the doofuses who DONATED the dollar!”
Why, that’d be li’l ol’ me!
“THAT’S NOT FAIR! I had to KISS THE JUDGE! I should get this!” Mr. W wailed.
“I had to get up on a chair and shake my rear and SHE takes away the prize!” my judge wailed. “Where’s the JUSTICE?”
I didn’t know what they were complaining about. Seemed just to me. I took the beautiful centerpiece home and gave it to my mother the next day.