Thu 31 Jan 2008
I’m up again. I fell asleep fairly early in front of the TV, and woke up to a cosmetic informercial that was somewhat interesting to me, so I watched it. Then I figured I may as well be productive, so I vacuumed and I’m now about to do my taxes.
I’m gonna miss these nights when I’m up all by myself and know I’m not bothering anyone if I move around the house and do chores. Dodo doesn’t seem to mind, although when I first came upstairs I saw that he’d already gone to bed. He popped his head up to look at me from inside his cat bed when I brought the vacuum upstairs.
I’m being a crappy girlfriend, but I’ve had it up to HERE (*throwing my hand waaaay up in the air…sorta waving it, you know, like I just don’t care*) with all the drama surrounding Mr. W. The poison-tipped arrows his ex-wife shoots at him, angrily speculating that his (perceived) happiness entitles her to his money, and successfully taking it out of our (his and my) immediate and distant future together, and although my hands are tied in the matter, touching Mr. W means I absorb the poison into my own life. Which is probably what the ex-wife wants. Some people find their purpose helping others; others find their obsession and purpose in ruining their ex’s lives and futures. I think it really sucks that California is a no-fault state when it comes to divorce. I think when people end their marriage by, oh, say, having affairs and a KID with another man whom they eventually leave their spouse for, they should not only forfeit any stake in the marital assets, but CERTAINLY not be entitled to future financial compensation for the rest of their lives. What’s to stop immoral users like these from just marrying anyone with some money for a few years and then screwing them over, leaving them, and then you just collect free money forevermore? Hell, why not get married a few more times, and then multi-task and suck the lives out of 4, 5, 6 men at a time? Fuck them all. I was REALLY trying to see things from her side for a long time, but after this most recent stint of events, I’ve had it. People who don’t have custody of their children should not be getting child support money.
I’m happy, HAPPY, to be home. Alone. Away. This is my vacation. Now if I could only get a professional massage therapist to come over and relieve the physical manifestations of my stress from my muscles. Assuming my lack of gymming the past week and a half hasn’t dissolved them all (muscles, not masseuses).
P.S. I can’t shake the guilt. I feel like I’m being selfish by wanting no part of this, like I should be more supportive even tho it’s not my problem and I didn’t cause nor create it. But then this other self-preservation part of me gets angry for having to deal with this at all, BECAUSE it’s not my past mistake, it’s not my current baggage, but I’m paying for it, too. I guess when you want to reap the emotional benefits of a man with relationship experience, you gotta take the doo-doo, too.
Hello! I am up also, but I’m going to boot camp. Yay.
Well, sometimes I feel the same in my relationship but it passes. Ex-wives can be annoying and there’s no getting out of it. Is Mr W aware of your feelings/concerns? Does he know it keeps your up at night? Maybe if he knew how much it’s affecting you it will motivate him to do something to resolve his issues with the ex-wife. Being afraid to deal with problems is a negative trait that I hope will not extend into your relationship. He needs to deal with it instead of “paying it off.”
good for you re boot camp.
He’s aware. He’d have to be blind not to be. On top of that, I tell him things that bother me — I’m not a proponent of the stereotypical “Well, if you don’t know why I’m mad, then you’re just gonna have to figure it out while I ignore you.”
He does tend to ignore his problems rather than deal with them in a relationship, but he’s gotten a lot better. Re dealing w/his ex-wife, he WOULD rather sit there, get screwed, be in an incredibly bad mood, vent to me, than to actually get up and fight it. He’s terrified of fighting it. He has said several times if it gets to a specific situation, he’d fight it in court, but each time that specific scenario happens, he still would rather lay low and hope it doesn’t get worse. (Which, of course, it does — hence we’re at the point that we are now.)
He says it’s because past experience tells him he will always get screwed by her, so it’s not about winning; it’s about trying not to accidentally motivate her to screw him harder than she is already.
it sucks that you have to deal with this. however, when you agree to marry someone, you inherit their fortunes, their misfortunes, their mistakes, and their successes. you are a team. it sounds like he is feeling beat down and fears getting beat down even harder. and knowing that he is disappointing you is probably making him feel pretty crappy too. without knowing any of the details, here’s my $0.02… (sorry for always giving my opinion on things that i know nothing about?!)
you have every right to be angry about having to deal with the doo-doo, so be angry at her — not at him. forget about understanding her side, but stand by his. if he knew that he had you at his side, waving your sword at the enemy (rather than holding it up in front of yourself in a defensive stance), maybe that would re-energize him to stand up and fight. the poison from the arrow might kill one soldier, but it might only be enough to weaken two. and although this war was waged because of a mistake that was NOT yours, it IS your fight to fight. it is affecting you both directly (financially) and indirectly (emotionally). and if you get frustrated at him and let it drive you apart, she wins. don’t let her win!
Flip Flop – I always value your opinion, you dork. That’s why I’ve gone to you for so much random stuff already.
You’re right, and I’d agree with you, and you’re damn inspiring, too. Except that in this battle, it is not legally mine to fight. So when your commanding officer calls out a retreat, even tho you have enough gumption to charge, you have to take the retreat. And since his retreat is frustrating (altho understandable) to me, I’m just gonna stand aside and grumble to myself. *I* can’t call for war.
And I keep going back to my safety net — just 1.42 more years of this and it’s legally over. (Who’s counting?)
it’s a bad sign when you refer to a span of time as a non-rounded fractional amount of time with 2 digit precision.
sorry to hear that it’s been rough lately. hope things get better soon.
re: professional masseuses coming to your house…that always evokes the wrong kind of images in my head whenever i hear it.
But I did round the fraction. It’s really 1.416666666.
Re professional masseuses who make home visits — I’ve never had one before. Mr. W has, tho.
you’re right, YOU can’t call the attack. but you can make sure that he always knows that you’re on his team so that he never feels like he has to be on guard with you. (and if you’ve already done that, yay you!) he’ll need all his reserves to fight the real foe =P
btw, i also meant to tell you that you can call anytime if you want to vent! we’re almost always awake at 2:02am =)
Yeah, I haven’t been that great about giving out the “I’m on your team” vibes lately. But I just called his work and was told by his coworker that he didn’t even go in today, so it’s not like he keeps me in the loop either. =P
Thanks for the offer. I can’t believe you regularly stay up past 2a. That’s, like, college-time!
‘I’m on your team’ vibes are nice…even if you choose to get off the ride for a little bit/temporarily
You 2 hang in there Cindy!!!
I see the mental struggle you’re having. Support or abandon. I’m sure it’s very difficult but my personal opinion is to STEP AWAY FROM THE PROBLEM. No matter the outcome, what is positive in it for YOU? If he fights would he resent your pushing him to, what problems would the ex cause if you are in the middle of THEIR problems? If you step away at least you save your own emotional sanity.
The problem with washing my hands if the situation is that it’ll affect me in the future when it’s “our” household money she’s got her fist in, so altho I totally stayed away from the problem like you said when we were just “dating” or “together,” it’s hard for me now that we’re engaged.