So I grabbed my voluminous buffalo chicken wrap off my desk as soon as the jurors were situated in the courtroom, and dodged out into my judge’s chambers and proceeded to stuff my face on his couch. Because of the width and size of this wrap, and how drippy it got toward the end what with the chopped lettuce and red buffalo sauce, I got red stuff all over my face burning my cheeks and lips, and I was aware of the sauce touching my nose, too. And there I was looking like a carnivorous wild animal eating another wild animal, when a horrible thought occured to me.

What if they take one of many sidebar discussions that they’ve been having, right now? I could just imagine the judge, court reporter, and both attorneys walking into chambers for a sidebar argument and stopping short, seeing my hunched over form on his couch with red stuff all over the place, chopped tomatoes and chicken falling from my open mouth. There’s no recovering from that. So I wrapped up the bundle of mess in the wrapper and dodged into the hallway bathroom.

As soon as I entered the second room of the restroom that contained a small table, a chair, the sink and stall, I froze again, and thought, “Oh shit. I’m pulling a Dardy.” I imagined all the poo and pee molecules that came out of coworkers floating in the air around me, adhering onto my chicken wrap.

And I quickly ate it all up and came back in the courtroom.