I took the afternoon off on Friday and hit the gym pretty hard for a couple of hours. It was only my second workout of the week! Gym Trainee sprained both her ligament and tendon in her right foot, so she’s hobbling along unable to put weight on her foot. I’ve known for awhile now that any motivation I have for gymming, I’ve borrowed from her, and without her, I am less than uninspired. But my afternoon off wasn’t just for the pleasant task of toning up my sleeping muscles.

I had an appointment for my 6-month pap smear. Why’s it called a pap, anyway? That term makes the procedure sound way cuter than it actually is. It should be called the foreign-object-vaginal-insertion-and-extraction-by-stranger smear. Yeah. I think that’s pretty accurate. I had the same doctor who did my biopsy and LEEP procedure last year. As he peered in between my spread stirruped legs and spread speculumed vagina, he said, “You know, the human body is so amazing. Your cervix healed so beautifully from the LEEP procedure. In fact, it looks better now than it did before the procedure. They should make LEEPs a mandatory procedure for cosmetic reasons.”
I said, “But you guys would be the only ones who could see it.”
His head poked out from behind the sheet covering my thighs. “And we don’t count? Okay, I’m gonna call the mechanic out there and have him come in to admire this. ‘Hey, c’mere, look in here and check out my beautiful work!’ ”
“I think I saw a plumber outside when I came in. Let’s get him in here to admire your work, too.”
“Good idea, let’s get ’em all in here!”
What a goofball.
Despite his running an hour behind schedule, my portion of the visit was through in less than 5 minutes. That was the quickest pap smear I’d ever been involved in. He told me he’d email me the lab results in about a week. Let’s hope all the precancer cells and bad abnormal stuff really ARE gone…