Tue 13 Dec 2011
I don’t know if this is a normal part of new motherhood, but I feel lots of guilt today. Allie’s been crying on and off all day, except when she’s eating or sleeping. I feel guilty when I’m not holding her. When I’m holding her and can’t get her to calm down, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not cleaning up around the house more even though I’ve been constantly tidying up any chance I get. I feel guilty for not making healthy meals for the family. I feel guilty when I eat because I’m not doing baby duty when I’m eating. When I’m holding Allie I look around and feel guilty for the pacifier laying on her swing, the box of diapers and changer stuff not put away and out of view, the baby blanket not folded, the burp cloth laying strewn across the couch. When Mr. W has Allie in his arms I feel guilty for his taking baby duty even though I’m taking out the trash, loading or unloading the dishwasher, heating up some food for him or us to eat.
How do people survive the first month?!
how do people survive?
1) we don’t give our hubbies “baby duty”. we allow them the privilege of bonding with their child.
2) we don’t feel guilty about ANY of that stuff you mentioned. that burp cloth laying across the couch isn’t hurting anyone. but you can never get back the moments you miss out on when you’re spending time tidying up instead of playing with your baby… or sleeping =P
oh, and since you’re BFing… any time you spend eating, drinking, sleeping, and taking care of yourself is “meal prep” for allie. so you definitely shouldn’t be feeling guilty about that!
That was an excellent answer. You feel guilty because you are used to being able to do it all. And this new experience requires you to adjust that definition. Just take it one day at a time. Seriously, I have felt guilt about stuff since the day my kids were born. Just try to leave it as background noise and not let it really get to you. Relish in this new creation, and what an awesome opportunity for you and Mr. W to spend time as new parents together. And I always felt the worst when I was the most tired.
I only took it day-by-day basis for many months, not aiming getting anything done after then taking care of the little one. Even up to this day, I don’t get much personal time. I felt guilty that I don’t have “me” time at all in addition to everything you listed. For many months, I only managed to cook one dish for all for dinner each day. My house was and still is messy, which is why we stop inviting people to our place. And now it’s even more challenging to tidy our place because the moment I start tidying up the clutter, my little one will bring back the junk that I just removed (he thinks he’s mama’s best helper)! I guess we just have to live in a mess for awhile. Well I can live with that for now.
flip flop – I think I may be dealing with OCD. :/ I’d kept it under control by forcing myself to draw a line in my head between “my” stuff/mess and “someone else’s” stuff/mess, but with a baby, it’s all my mess. I’d feel less guilty about the mess if it were just me and Mr. W living here, tho. Since there’s also a stepkidlet, I don’t want her to have to deal with the baby’s junk all over the common areas like the living room. It’s not fair to her. I like what you’re saying about “meal prep.” It did made me feel much better!
Maggie – The guilt doesn’t go away?! Waaah! Mr. W’s friend told me yesterday that I feel guilty because I’m a good mother. I’ll try to believe that and follow your advice of keeping it at bay. And you’re right, I DO feel the worst, the most like a helpless failure, when I’m tired. That’s usually when she’s screaming between 12a and 2a. (Hey, at least it’s not between 11p-3a anymore.)
Jade – Haha, you’re at a different (and cute) level. Allie isn’t big enough to bring her own messes, yet…this is just our mess in trying to care for her. Your little boy sounds adorable.