Tue 21 Feb 2012
Mr. W got a text yesterday morning where the stepdaughter said she was “coming home” that night. That to me sounded like she was calling this “home,” which means things didn’t work out at her mom’s place and she’s coming back to live with us. I instantly got nauseated and dizzy thinking about all the stress coming with stepdaughter’s past resistance to the household’s current needs for quiet and privacy, and the sleep I’d be losing, and how much harder it’d be to put the baby to sleep and keep her asleep with noise I can’t control. The cat yowling is already bad enough, but I’ve been able to cut him off by making myself visible to him. He’s too polite to yowl when I’m there, and the deep loud territorial sounds will instantly change to gentle softer “meows” as he greets me. And then he stops altogether.
I actually considered taking my mom up on her offer to stay with my parents for awhile with the baby. Mr. W was understandably frustrated. “What do you want me to do?! She has to have a life, too! She’s my daughter, just as SHE (*pointing upstairs toward Allie’s room, where she as napping*) is my daughter.”
“I’m not trying to pick a fight and I can tell by your tone you’re upset at me. I feel like I’m pressed against a wall and I have nowhere to turn. I’m just trying to figure out what to do here. And it’s not just me having a hard time; [stepdaughter] was so resentful of having to live with the new lifestyle of being with a newborn that she tried to move out. I just think it’s easier for a 21-year-old to modify behavior than it is for an infant to modify behavior.”
“So I’ll talk to her. Write down a list of things you me to address with her and I’ll address it.”
Turned out she didn’t return last night, but had texted him saying she’d be here the next day (today). I just did a list, and they’re pretty common sense stuff:
*Respect current household hours (then listing the times her dad’s up in the mornings, the time the baby’s up to start her day, the fact that the baby’s down for the night at 6:30-7a, and her dad and my bedtimes of around 9p or earlier).
*Use front door and not garage whenever possible, especially after household is asleep; garage door rumbles & vibrates beneath baby’s room & sometimes wakes her up.
*Try to keep noise level to a minimum if you observe baby’s napping in the day, and after household has gone to sleep.
*Give prior notice if someone is coming over. Make sure guests respect household hours, too, i.e. with their own noise level.
*Note that noise carries easily upstairs, & altho the baby’s door is somewhat closed, she’s sensitive to sudden noise, & our master bedroom can not be closed becuase Dodo goes in & out, and the baby’s crying needs to be heard. Light therefore also goes in the master bedroom from the living room.
Examples of noises heard: garage door, door between garage & house slamming, talking on cell phone in regular voice in kitchen/hall areas, pots/pans banging in kitchen
*Clean up after self: shoes left in living room over several days are a tripping hazard when carrying baby; put dishes, blankets, etc away after use. Dishes go in dishwasher (instead of it drying out in sink), trash goes in trash cans & not countertops (wrappers, etc). Leave common areas in a condition where others can use it immediately after you without having to put things away or clean up after you first (i.e. laundry half-done in washer & dryer when you leave the house).
I can see Mr. W rolling his eyes at this list, but I think they’re very basic considerate things that anyone ought to do when living with anyone, even a roommate.
My anxiety level is cranked way up right now. Earlier in mid-post, a streetsweeper truck rolled by outside and I watched the monitor in horror as it woke Allie up from her nap. I couldn’t convince her to go down again because she’d napped long enough to not be as tired, altho she really didn’t nap enough at less than an hour. An insufficient nap after soothing her screaming and crying in my ear because she didn’t want to nap and resists when she feels tired, despite all her yawning and eye-rubbing… I was so frustrated I wanted to cry or puke or both. She’s old enough now to be somewhat self-entertained for a least 5-10 minutes, so she’s in the swing right now cooing along with the swing’s music, practicing raising her arms and legs.
As long as the stepdaughter doesn’t think she is being preached to, she will probably adapt pretty quickly. From her perspective…it is her house, too, and all of the sudden “rules changes” are kind of a lot that she never really signed up for. That said, she is old enough to know that she can also move out and pay her own rent any time she wants, so she very much knows what she will be getting in exchange for being a little more conscientious;-)
So mostly, I would approach her as an adult, ask her for her cooperation and hope that she gets the message. Remind her that it is all very temporary – while her habits will have to permanently change some, the whole “walking on eggshells around the baby” phase will be over pretty soon. And hopefully, she will eventually find it an acceptable trade-off between her inconvenience and the chance to spend this time with her baby sister:-)
Do you think there are a lot of “sudden rules changes” to the point where it’s unreasonable? The noise level thing is a sudden rule change and it’s a huge thing that’s constant through the day, but the other stuff, it’s not out-of-line to expect from an adult, right? A lot of this isn’t new, either, it’s reiteration of what she’s already known but didn’t particularly follow (like putting her dishes away; they would spend weeks in her room growing stuff). She’s offered to “help out more” several times but had never done it; I don’t ask her to do that, but just ask her to not add to my things to do. What’s your opinion about the list?
So when does the “walking on eggshells” phase get over? I’m waiting for that, too. :/ PLEASE tell me babies become more solid sleepers later on. *biting nails* (Okay, but don’t lie to me.)
It is not unreasonable…and again, she is an adult who can pay her own rent if she wants to;-) But it is a huge adjustment for her…it is something that she needs to be aware of at every minute of every day.
As I mentioned, I went through this a little bit with my sister…who is incredibly easy going, but who was only 15 at the time my twins were born and really had more of a right to claim infringement on her daily routine. Mostly, no one can feel like they are always visiting in their own home…they have to feel comfortable.
Allie sounds like a pretty light sleeper, but she will get better at putting herself back to sleep soon, hopefully (until she begins teething, sorry to be the bearer or bad news:-)) And her naps will get deeper as she stays awake longer between them and takes fewer of them. And not to keep beating the day care drum, but my girls became MUCH better sleepers once they started in day care…the teachers taught them to go to sleep on a schedule, and they get so tired that they sleep really well at night.
In the meantime, just turn the humidifier up as loud as it goes and let that drown out as much noise as it can.
Also, random idea (I am jumping around a lot)…ask stepdaughter to babysit some night. Leave her home with the baby and let her learn how to get her down to sleep and learn why it is important that the baby STAY asleep. You probably won’t feel like going anywhere, and you probably think she will get really frazzled trying to get the baby to sleep…but that is sort of the point!
Stand your ground with the step-kidlet. Your list is nothing more than things that should be done out of common courtesy. However, everyone leaves a dish in the sink or inadvertently slams a door now and then. Don’t be too hard on her.
After I was a live-in nanny (for a cousin) for about a year, I decided always being in tune to what the baby was doing was NOT the lifestyle I wanted during college. I moved out, and I know my aunt and uncle were upset but it was a decision I had to make. Sounds like step-kidlet is struggling with the same thing. I can understand where she’s coming from.
it will get better, I promise. Mine was also a light sleeper, doors could not creak, walking had to be tip-toe style, I sneezed noiselessly those days too…. One thing you could do is get a sound machine for the baby’s room (white noise) , then turn on the radio downstairs, then sounds will be masked by 2 layers of white noises (works better than just 1 item alone). You set the radio to sleep mode at night and let it stops after 4 hours or so. During nap time it’s for the duration of the nap. With the sound machine, you start on low volume and slowly increase it to “moderate” as you go. As long as the kidlet sticks to “no open garage door” rule, that should take care of the rest of the sounds – and Allie will adapt, believe or not. My kid continued to wake up at the sounds of doors creaking, but she slept through sounds of motorcycles passing by as well as garbage trucks. If you can lower your anxiety level, the baby will benefit.
One good thing about my funky sleeping kid is that I later found out: her energy reservoir is very big, it takes a lot to completely tire her out, so as young as 7 months old, she could handle being awake for more than 12 hours without throwing a tantrum – and then for the first time in her life, she slept like a log. Ever since then, anytime we traveled, my kid slept much better and much more predictable. With this sort of baby, you can take to the movies or late dinners and have a good chance of avoiding a melt down.
My kid doesn’t follow a schedule, but she has a general pattern that is predictable. That means when day light saving time hits, or when you travel from west coast to east coast, she’s fine going to bed when everyone else goes to bed. She can also be convinced to sleep in on days when you need to sleep in… So if it looks like you can’t quite get your kid to follow a consistent sleep schedule, don’t stress, yours might just be one of those flexible ones
the house rules are not unreasonable at all. but from stepdaughter’s perspective, allie has caused a lot of change. even though many of the rules have been long-standing, they were never really enforced.
we (parents) take such great care not to let a baby disrupt the lives of older siblings. we make an effort to spend one on one time with the older child. we make sure that their classes, activities, and playdates are unchanged. we remind ourselves to say “thank you so much for helping your baby sister” instead of “no no no!!! don’t hurt her!” we do everything we can to make sure that the baby only adds to (and doesn’t detract from) the life of the older child. one of the reasons why we do this is so that the older sibling never feels resentful of the changes that the baby brings.
i’m not saying that you shouldn’t enforce the house rules. you absolutely should. just keep in mind that even though step-kidlet is an adult, she was the baby of the family and the only kid in the house before allie came along. this is a big adjustment for her, too.
this probably doesn’t change anything, but maybe it’ll help you be a little bit sympathetic to what step-kidlet is going through (in the same way that we are more forgiving of our kids’ crying fits when we know that they’ve missed their nap), and hopefully, that will make you be less anxious and stressed about the situation. *hugs*
I know I don’t have kids and don’t really have a right to an opinion, but I’m gonna give it anyway. Step-kidlet is a grown woman. My talk with her (assuming I was her dad) would be “If you don’t like it, don’t live here or better yet, pay the mortgage and then you can make the rules.” It’s harsh, I know, but I moved back in with my mom for a little while when I was in my early twenties. It was her house. Her rules. You can bet I worked hard to get back on my feet as soon as possible.
As for the baby being a lite sleeper, this probably won’t help either, but since I’m giving out free opinions today, here is mine. Noise is like anything else in a baby’s world. It’s new. They aren’t used to it. With exposure, she should be able to tolerate common noises better and even find them comforting. I’m not talking about slamming doors and the sound of kegs being rolled into the house. More like normal conversational tones, TVs, cars going by, etc. I can distinctly remember being very young (not baby young, but you know) and wanting my door open when I went to bed so I could hear the sounds of the TV and my parents voices. None of this helps you with your current dilemma, but I was overstocked with free, unwanted opinions and you were in the right place at the right time.
AM – the air purifier in her room is on 24/7 for white noise. the humidifier doesn’t make much of a sound, which I guess was its selling point. oh well.
The stepdaughter had talked about taking Allie and doing it all on her own, but when it comes down to it, she’s been too busy or she just stays in her room with the door closed. Her dad had suggested she start slowly, such as just helping me take care of Allie when I’m still there. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m okay with that.
erin – I agree about the occasional slip-ups. I don’t say anything to her about most things, I give her days to correct it. Sometimes it doesn’t get corrected, tho, and I put it away or clean up after her and complain to her dad. =/ I understand the moving out thing, what you did and what she wanted to do. it wasn’t a lifestyle she chose. but I’m being told that a life revolving around the baby is a temporary thing, and she’ll adapt to the world later on when she’s older and sounds become more ordinary to her so that she could sleep through them. plus she also won’t need to take 4-5 naps a day when she gets older.
Idlehouse – I don’t know yet what kind of sleeper Allie is going to be, whether she’ll be like yours and sleep well after being tired out. But right now, she seems to do best being given the opportunity to nap whenever she starts showing signs of being tired, which for her is after about 1.5 hours of being awake. Another 30 mins to soothe her down and she’s up for a total of 2 hours at a time (which I read is normal for her age). But yes, same thing: doors can’t creak, floorboards can’t creak, springs in the recliner can’t click. Crazy. I suppose in lieu of the radio downstairs, we can do TV.
flip flop – I normally try to think of things from very everyone’s different perspectives. It’s amazing how hard it is to think on someone else’s behalf when I’m seeing red cuz my baby, who took an hour to go to sleep, is woken up by a careless sound an hour or less later. But I’m hopeful that things will get better, both with the stepdaughter’s conscientiousness and Allie’s simultaneous outgrowing of such crazy sound-sensitivity.
Bat – That was kind of along the line of my thinking, too, but I wouldn’t say that to her cuz she’s not my kid. Her dad had mentioned kicking her out a couple of times (when he’s annoyed at her for something), but I’d always say no and that she has nowhere to go. We all know she has somewhere to go if she wanted; she could get a job and pay rent somewhere; she could dorm; she could move in with friends for roommates. But after looking into it last year, she’d decided it’s more practical for her to live with a parent for free than to pay for everything herself from rent to food to toilet paper. I know her parents aren’t going to kick their own children out if they haven’t yet and both kids are over 21, and it’s definitely not my place to go against stepdaughter’s decision to stay. My place, it seems, is waiting hopefully for her to decide she’s ready and seize an opportunity for independence when she wants to. My mom is flabbergasted, btw. At their ages, me and all my peers couldn’t WAIT to get out on our own. My mom couldn’t convince me to stay.
Thanks for your free opinions, they ARE comforting, and I hope you’re right that Allie will just soon get used to the sounds she hears all the time. Dodo doesn’t wake her up 100% of the yowls anymore; more like 15%.
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