Fri 27 Jul 2012
I feel like I constantly have to defend or justify my parenting choices and philosophy from people who feel I should or shouldn’t do what I’m not or am doing. It’s like the epidural thing — just because I had my reasons in not using it doesn’t mean that I’m telling others to choose my choices or that my choices are better than their choices; they were MY choices for ME given what I feel is right for my personal situations, and I feel like others who made different choices for themselves get defensive and bash me over the head and tell me my choices are wrong or stupid. One that I’d supported on all her decisions even if I wouldn’t have made those decisions for myself once said about one of my decisions, “How could you choose to do that? You’re crazy.” I was so peeved. I don’t tell THEM that about THEIR choices. Every decision I make is what I believe to be in Allie’s best interest, even if it IS a little to my own detriment, but I’m okay with that, and I’ve chosen that with full knowledge.
Okay, so I’m diligent in only going out AROUND Allie’s naptimes and getting her home in time for her naps, so I miss out either partially or completely on parties and events that take place during or thru her naps. This is temporary, and it’s to help her become a better rested, healthier, and happier baby. I see it in her. She IS healthy. She IS happy. And believe me, I’ve also seen when she was not well-rested, not happy, cuz she’s very loud when that’s the situation. I can not handle that level of stress anymore. Even hearing a random baby’s wail at work almost sends me spiraling into an anxiety attack.
Ever since the pediatrician suggested we put Allie straight down into her crib for naps now, Jayne’s done it at my direction, and Allie has even seemed to prefer NOT to be held and soothed to sleep. The past 2 days, that’s 4 consecutive naps, she’s leaned toward her crib (I’ve experienced this last weekend, as well) during her soothing period as if she’s asking to go straight in. Jayne reports that after putting Allie in the crib, Jayne leaves immediately and Allie complains or cries for less than a minute before she starts playing a bit by herself, and within 10-15 minutes, she lays down and goes to sleep. These naps have been between 75 minutes to 90 minutes each. To me, that means Allie is confident and mature enough to recognize and obey what her body needs without parental assistance or insistence. It was the ultimate nap goal for me — a baby so used to getting her sleep needs taken care of that she EXPECTS and WANTS to rest. Even Jayne remarks on the difference between happy rested Allie and tired cranky Allie. And the medical professionals are certainly happy with me. And I can’t even remember the last time Allie woke up in the middle of the night and needed to be tended to; if she wakes up with a wail here or there (probably from a nightmare), give her a minute and she’ll settle right back to sleep. (Knowing that about her, if she wakes up crying dramatically or continuously, I’ll know that she needs to be attended to, as opposed to waking up and calling for me cuz she wants to play or wants me to respond due to a night-waking habit.)
I’m hoping I have as much success this weekend. Regardless, we have plans to attend Claudio’s girlfriend Jenny’s birthday party after Allie wakes up from her 2nd nap and we’ll make sure we’re home in time to go thru her bedtime routine before bed. That doesn’t leave a lot of time between 4p, when the event starts, and 6p, but that’s okay by me. Allie’s needs come first, and it’s a good compromise. She’ll finally get to meet Uncle Andrae this weekend, too.
Girl you call me when those people give you grief!!!!! Just as I told our daughter in law and I think you a whole back…. Allie is YOUR baby that means YOU get to make her rules in life!!!! I am a firm believer I you have to do what you have to do in life to make it work for YOU!!!!! I know it’s easy for me to say don’t listen to those people or whatever but really if they don’t respect your feelings, your beliefs in raising YOUR child tell them to go jump in a lake!!!!!!!! I don’t get why people don’t respect others beliefs or feelings but think you should respect theirs!!!!! I suppose they can’t, won’t or don’t care that just because it’s the right thing for you doesn’t mean you are saying its the right thing for them!!!!! If it makes you feel any better our daughter in law does exactly the same as you do, home for naps and bed time and Caroline and all of us are much happier due to knowing her routine!!!!! Hang in there everyone loves to give advice to first time moms, even unwanted or unasked for!!!! Sorry for the fun on sentences but I feel so bad for you having to deal with this I’m too agitated to bother going back to correct!!! Have a fabo weekend!!!!!
Marie
you should never have to defend your choices. you don’t owe anyone an explanation for any of the parenting decisions that you make for your child.
however, i will venture to say that when you justify your decisions with “i sacrifice my own interests and keep my child’s best interests in mind”, that that could put others on the defensive. people who make different decisions than you do might take your justification as an implication that they do NOT make sacrifices and that they do NOT have their child’s best interests in mind.
parenting styles run the gamut and decisions are often controversial. if someone is genuinely interested in why i do the things that i do, i tell them. but if they start challenging/judging, i tell em “you do what works for you and your family. this is what works for us” and leave it at that. feel free to use that line 😉
just my $0.02…
Marie – thanks! and it IS good to know that someone else is doing what I’m doing and that it’s working out for their baby. I guess not all babies respond the same way to structure, but as far as I can tell, Allie is thriving with having a routine (or at least, with having this one). Not that the routine stays exactly the same through any given day, or as the weeks go.
flip flop – Oh okay, I totally see what you’re talking about re the implication. But I’m not sure how to handle it once I’m in the conversation already. (Altho from now on, I’m gonna use your line. Thanks.) I don’t just come out and say that I’m sacrificing for my child for her best interests; the issue usually first starts with them saying or pointing out that I’m not doing this or that for myself, or not attending this or that for my pleasure. and then I tell them that I can’t because that’s during allie’s nap time, or that the thing takes too long and would entail keeping her out too long or too late, or the timing just isn’t right for whatever it is she needs. and then I’d get an eyeroll and a lecture about how my life shouldn’t end just because I have a baby, and that I need to think about doing x or y for myself, too, and that nothing is going to happen to her if I skip this nap or take her out for an extended time for that event, that I’m being too rigid, too paranoid, too unnecessarily structured, that it is a detriment to myself and to her, etc. So I tell them I’m FINE with not doing x or y, that I’d known way back before she was born that I would give up x and y, that the giving up is temporary, and that giving Allie item z in lieu of my x and y is beneficial to her and worthwhile to me. And there we are, with the other party all offended, and launching into well THEIR kid blah blah, well THEY did or didn’t do blah blah.
Like when someone asked me why I’d decided to go the no-epidural route, and I said because I’ve read stuff about potential side-effects to epidural use, and they say like what, so I tell them about the potential lowering of IQ, crazy spinal fluid leak headaches for me, lower apgar scores, blah blah. I know the odds of those things actually impacting anything long-term is small but for ME, I don’t want to look back and say, “Hey, I could’ve done something to give her a teeny weeny little edge and I chose not to do it,” or “She’s having this problem. Could it be my fault for having used an epidural?” (I know most people don’t overthink, but I know I do so I likely will in the future, too.) But this choice is possible for me because I have a high tolerance to pain AND a morbid curiosity about all the bodily actions during labor, and I tell them this, but I’m already getting the “Well *I* used an epidural and MY kid knows this many words, and I’M fine, and the KID’S fine, blah blah.” Well, that’s great. I didn’t say your kid’s a retard just because you made your decision, which as long as it’s an informed one, I have no problem with. Actually, I don’t have a problem with their uninformed decisions, either, cuz it’s got nothing to do with me. And I got a, “You’re crazy. That is THE WORST pain you’ll ever experience, you couldn’t handle it.” From someone who HAS NEVER HAD A CHILD.
I think the person’s intentions are important. Maybe he or she is really trying to let you know that the harmful effects which you fear didn’t materialize in his experience, or that he/she has come up with a solution or system that might work for you. Just because someone offers an alternative or input does not mean he is necessary being critical of you or your routine. Or perhaps they only want to justify their own choices and are looking for you to recognize that your way isn’t the only way. I dunno. But I try giving people the benefit of the doubt when I can–to listen to them, but not necessarily let their opinions affect my choices (at least the well-reasoned ones).
I think it’s usually more the latter, but you’re right, considering the source is important when assessing others’ statements. I’m usually not sat down with the person revealing their concerns about my quality of life; usually it’s an eyeroll and criticism.
I remember the first 18 months, I was happy when my kid could nap at the exact time I felt she needed to, and sleep in the exact environment I knew she would have liked. No other excitement ruled me life, lol. Did that mean I didn’t have a life? Who cares! Now my kid naps anywhere and everywhere, and I feel like I have never missed out on anything. People who lecture you are probably those who just want to hear themselves talk, maybe just hear them out and consider it a good deed. At least they can’t make you do things their way 🙂
Wow, someone else who thought like me! I sometimes feel pretty alone. I have friends (and husbands =P) who support me because they support ME, but don’t necessarily do or agree with what I do. Thanks for showing me what the other side of the tunnel looks like. 🙂