I decided this afternoon that what I needed was a massage. Without much hope, I called Glen Ivy Day Spa and asked if they had any open appointments left for today. The last time I tried to do an impromptu appointment with them on a weeknight, all they had open was a 20 minute slot, which is the equivalent to giving a starving person a kernal of corn, or to a badly PMSing woman a chocolate chip. Mr. W offered his personal massage service if I can’t book an appointment, but then the clouds parted and a magical sunlit hand reached through the opening to hand me an 80-minute slot at 5pm, then reached over and plucked Mr. W up from where the back of his shirt was hanging from a hook, gently setting him down in front of his computer where I see he’s active, but he is ignoring my IMs. Back to my story. The receptionist’s voice asked me over the phone whether it’s okay that only a male massage therapist is available at that time. Of course it’s okay! I would’ve taken a penguin if he were certified. And then it was booked. I did a quick calculation. $145 massage, a 20% tip would be $29. Mr. W, who was on the phone with me at the time, said that 20% is overtipping. I asked my substitute court reporter (my regular one is surfing in Costa Rica) and substitute bailiff (my regular one is off somewhere paying his new property taxes), who frequent massage places, how much they tip. They both said 15%. I thought back to all the times I’ve tipped at least 20%. Mr. W pointed out that it’s not like these masseuses remember me, since I don’t go that regularly to the same places and I don’t go back to the same person. So I don’t benefit from overtipping.

Well, it turned out a good thing I overtipped last time in April with Diana, cuz I got the same guy. I recognized him first; he said apologetically that he sees a lot of people. It wasn’t until I was naked that he recognized me. “You’re the one who told me you were like 30% bodyfat, right?” “Yeah, that’s me.” He laughed, and said he still doesn’t believe that measurement is accurate. I said 2 separate tests told me that. He said then both tests are unreliable. “Hey, how’s that soda thing going?” I asked him. He said, “Great! I still haven’t drank any soda! I don’t even drink diet anymore.” “Oh, since I told you about the chemicals thing?” “Yeah!” That’s me, getting people to quit fast food and sodas everywhere I go.

Got my 80 minute massage, for the first time got a stomach massage. I’d told my therapist my court reporter today said, “I hate it when they massage my stomach.” I didn’t know before then that people got stomach massages. I’d been told that you’re not supposed to massage the stomach area because if you do it wrong, people could have their intestines messed up and get constipated. My therapist confirmed that massaging in the wrong direction can indeed cause blockage, and asked if I wanted to try it. I decided to trust him. It was weird, I felt like my face would swell every time he pushed down. He said it was all the fluid moving around from the massage, and to drink a lot of water over the next couple of days to flush out the toxins released from the rubbing. He said they don’t automatically do stomachs anymore unless someone requests it, because most people don’t like it. Others like it because it clears up their constipation and they go to the bathroom right after the massage. You learn something new every day.